


Mr. Kim's Service of Clairvoyant Curiosities

by lacesonmydress



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dark, Hospitals, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warning!!!, death and suicide will be the main theme, pls read on your discretion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2020-10-06 09:14:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20504531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacesonmydress/pseuds/lacesonmydress
Summary: Kim Doyoung was a soul.Having died nearly thirty years ago, Kim Doyoung was unable to cross to the afterlife for the cause of his violent death. He had forcefully detached his soul of his own body, cutting off his timeline against the deities—which left him punished, paying for the unforgivable thing he had done before Time finally comes for him.Little did he knew, there was something more to it.





	1. 001

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm back with a new fic!
> 
> Before reading, PLEASE, PLEASE take note that the theme of this fic is very dark. It is oriented around suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts, so please, if you think you can't handle it, don't read it. I'm trying to bring into view that suicide is NEVER a solution through this fic, but if this theme triggers you, please stop reading. I've never trigger warning-ed so hard.
> 
> I've recently finished watching Hotel Del Luna, and some parts might be inspired by this drama. I like these kind of themes so much and Del Luna is such a good drama, go watch it!
> 
> Read at your discretion.

++

“Welcome to Mr. Kim’s Service of Clairvy—Clavor—”

“_Clairvoyant, _Lee Donghyuck-ssi,” Doyoung snorted towards the young man in front of him, tossing the newspaper in his hand away. “Why, out of all people, the deity assigned someone who can’t even mention my business properly…”

“No! Okay! I’m sorry! I’m gonna do it well now!” the young man, supposedly Lee Donghyuck, stood up from his seat while clearing his throat.

“Welcome to Mr. Kim’s Service of Clairvoyant Curiosity. We are here to foreshadow you what all men wonder about deeply inside their hearts, that is to envision future happenings beyond what is gone. We are no ordinary services you can find in the world. We are able to envision you the future happenings, the deepest emotions of people around you, the truest feelings buried inside their hearts--because our specialty is to show you what lies in the future, beyond what people called as death.”

Doyoung smiled under a hand clamped over his mouth. He’s getting even better at this.

“Now, please let me introduce myself. My name is Lee Donghyuck, and I’m the one, first and only apprentice of Mr. Kim Doyoung. To my side is Mr. Kim Doyoung himself, the maestro of this service, the one who will bring you to the biggest revelations in your life, giving you one more chance to use without regrets. I hope we can help you, and I hope you use it well.”

He bowed deeply towards the empty air, as Doyoung snorted again. He slowly clapped, while Donghyuck straightened his body quickly, his face bearing a bright smile.

“I did well, didn’t I?”

“Quite above average,” Doyoung smirked, trying to hide his satisfaction. “I’ll take you on the next one.”

Doyoung stood up from his seat and left the room, ignoring Donghyuck’s not-so-quiet self-celebration behind him.

++

Kim Doyoung was a soul.

If any of his clients asked whether he’s human, he would not be hesitant to smack them across the head. What kind of human possessed the ability to show you the true future?

There’s another thing he was irritated of: to be called a fortune teller, shaman, or all the kinds of it. Those people only take signs and samples of what had happened to a certain group of people, there was few to zero certainty to any stuffs they said. They could be saying anything they want, and people would still believe them because of the tremendous amount of rice, salt, and all kinds of wards they used.

He was gifted by the deity.

Or one could call it a punishment.

Kim Doyoung died nearly thirty years ago, when he was at a blooming age of twenty-four. He was a young, healthy man, and the shamans his mother went to always said he’s got a great luck. He was one of the smartest in school, and people liked him a lot—anyone would know, his death was not of natural cause.

He cut his own time short, when he hung himself from the door frame of his bathroom, leaving his brother traumatized for the rest of his life.

He woke up expecting to be in an otherworldly setting, or maybe he didn’t expect to wake up at all, but instead he was in an old, empty mansion, a strange woman in front of him. She said he did such a brutal, gruesome thing to his own soul by detaching it forcefully of its vessel before the supposed time comes, and it was an unforgivable thing to do. His soul was so wounded it wouldn’t be accepted by the afterlife easily. He had to pay for his own doing, he had to mend the broken soul by finishing a task given by her, in order to achieve the afterlife of no pain and sadness. She, turned out, to be the deity itself.

Anyone would have wondered, at least once in their life, about who would cry, who would grieve, who would regret it the most if they die.

Doyoung did, too, of course. He was hesitant for a moment before he kicked the chair under his feet, wondering about his friends and family, wondering about who would cry the most in his funeral. The desire to know was too strong, as he constantly thought of one person—but then he kicked the chair full force, letting the thick rope pull at his neck, cutting off his circulation.

Maybe that’s why the desire was rooted deep inside him, even when his body buried deep six feet under and only his soul remained. And that’s what the deity gifted him, in order to do his task—the ability to see, and show people the very desire. To show people, who truly care about them the most, who they’d hurt the most, to show them how much they worth if they decided to cut their own time short—and giving them a second chance where they could choose.

Doyoung thought it was unfair, because he had wanted to know his, too. But the deity was not one to negotiate with—all decisions are final, and if he were to refuse it, he’d just be a wandering soul forever, forever empty, purposeless and suffering, haunted by the things he’d done to himself and the pain he’d caused.

So he shook hands with the woman back then, agreeing to the deal. She had smiled before disappearing into nothingness, but not before she whispered in Doyoung’s ear.

“You shall show people how they truly worth, and not to damage their own soul like yours. You shall show people how much love they deserve, and one shall not fail this crucial duty. You shall do it until the Time comes, the desire you hold will welcome you like an old friend, and you’ll be set free.”

++


	2. 002

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might seem like a filler chapter before the story actually begins, so it's a little short, but pls enjoy!

++

Doyoung has been stuck in the empty mansion since the night he woke up, so he might as well call it his residence. The mansion looked old but pretty, with all its rooms fully furnished. But then he realized why it was left empty despite its luxury.

He met the ghost of the young woman, constantly haunting the mansion with her cries everytime the night falls. The ghost resided herself in the grand kitchen, her complexion extremely beautiful with milky white skin and lean figure. She’s so beautiful no one would be afraid of her—except half of her torso and the blue nightgown she’s wearing was drenched with slick blood. She tried to scare Doyoung off the first nights he was there, when she showed up on the living room ceiling, crawling on her limbs as if she was a spider. Doyoung screamed his head off and almost ran out of the mansion when he remembered that he, himself, was dead _too. _He stopped in his tracks, locked eyes with the woman when her terrifying grin disappeared.

“Oh no,” her small lips moved, and seconds later she was on her feet on the ground, slowly backing to the door behind her.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Sir,” she whimpered, “you can stay here, I’m really sorry for what I did. Please let me stay in the kitchen, I won’t go anywhere, I won’t disturb you again.”

Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows in confusion with her sudden change of manner.

“Wait, Miss—”

“Please!” she suddenly went to her knees, rubbing her hands together as if pleading for mercy. “I apologize for my stupid behavior, please just let me stay—”

“Miss, I don’t understand! Why are you suddenly apologizing? Why don’t you try to scare me off again?”

That was when he realized, the young woman was avoiding his gaze all the time.

“Those—those eyes,” she sniffled, “those are the darkest eyes I’ve ever seen. The ones that hold the worst, the most unforgivable history. What did you do to your own soul, that it became so _broken_?”

Doyoung was stunned in his place, the deity’s words rang in his ears once again.

_“You did the most unforgivable thing a man can do,” _

_“…that is to forcefully detach your own soul from the vessel it’s still meant to cling to. You have gone against fate, against the decided timeline of your life, and your soul left so wounded it won’t be accepted to the afterlife.”_

He tried all his might to be friendly with the young woman, trying to persuade her that he had no ill intention—but she remained terrified of him, and constantly begged him to let her stay in the kitchen. So Doyoung gave up and let her be, as she disappeared into the wall. He’d never heard her cries since then.

He’d try to make friends with her during the lonely, early years, but she was always too terrified to show herself, although Doyoung knew she’s there. He got used to being alone sometime later, and after almost thirty years, he didn’t even try anymore.

Until a year ago, when Lee Donghyuck came to him on a rainy summer night.

He was one of his assignment.

Their first meeting took place in a sterile hospital room, with a very different Donghyuck from who he knew right now—his willowy figure clad in white hospital gown, his head shaved bald, covered with a beanie.

He was diagnosed with leukaemia two years before, but halfway through chemotherapy sessions, vomit-stained bedsheets and fallen hair clumps, he decided to give up and refused to receive any kind of treatment.

Doyoung was utterly confused because this kid wasn’t trying any kind of attempt to end his life, but yet the deity assigned him. He was trying to wake the kid up, because he needed to be conscious in order for Doyoung to approach his mind. He shook his shoulder, not-so-gently anymore, when the monitor beside the bed flatlined.

Doyoung didn’t remember what happened after that, when he woke up on his bed back at the mansion, Donghyuck’s curious eyes in front of him.

It was the first time he failed an assignment.

It was obvious, from how different the kid appeared before him—his cheeks full, his hair thick and fluffy, his skin radiating a healthy tan.

“Oh no. You died.” Doyoung muttered blatantly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Why are you here, though?”

“I don’t know,” Donghyuck shrugged, “The deity sent me here. She said I wasn’t ready for the afterlife, I have to stay with you and help with assignments.”

“You’re not ready?” Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows, “Why, though? Did you kill someone when you’re alive or something?”

“… I killed myself,” he said in a low voice, “I guess.”

“Wait, what? You didn’t!”

“It’s not like stabbing-myself-to-death-I-killed-myself,” he sighed, “I refused on receiving any treatments for my condition. If I continued medications, maybe I could’ve recovered, but with zero control, the disease quickly claimed my body that I couldn’t survive.”

Something clicked on Doyoung’s mind.

“So that’s why the deity assigned me to you,” he nodded, “but it wasn’t like you can be saved anyway, if you died from a disease.”

“… Sorry? I—I don’t understand.”

Doyoung sighed, getting ready to recount the longest, most non-sense story of his life, except he wasn’t quite alive anymore.

++


	3. 003

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be tired of warning you this, but from now on, the suicide theme of this story will be very evident. Like what I said, through this story I'm trying to bring into view that suicide is NEVER a solution, but if this theme triggers you, please don't read.
> 
> every chapter of this story will focus on one member as a development to Doyoung's and Donghyuck's story. Other than that, please enjoy!

++

Doyoung leaned on the steel railing, the wind blowing harshly against his face. Beside him Donghyuck was shivering from the cold air, but Doyoung quickly elbowed his ribs—because _no dead man can feel cold, you punk. _

The date on the newspaper Donghyuck always bought everyday (he took one and put some bills on the counter) showed it was November already. Autumn was beginning to wither away as the wind became even colder, and there came the busiest month for the deity, grim reapers and all assigned souls just like him—it was the month of the college entrance exam, when the suicide rate was the highest.

So there Doyoung was, leaning on the steel railing of a pedestrian bridge, a boy not far beside him—his face so young and childlike, except he was gripping onto the cold railing too tight, one of his feet stepping on it. A piece of paper was crumpled inside his fist, which Donghyuck recognized as modern day college entrance exam attendance card. It wasn’t like that back then in Doyoung’s college days.

“You’re not really thinking to jump, are you?”

The boy almost jumped in surprise as he whipped his head towards Doyoung and Donghyuck. Doyoung nodded towards Donghyuck, who bowed deeply to him.

“Welcome to Mr. Kim’s Service of Clairvoyant Curiosities. We are here to foreshadow you what all men wonder about deeply inside their hearts, that is to envision future happenings beyond what is gone. We are no ordinary services you can find in the world. We are able to envision you the future happenings, the deepest emotions of people around you, the truest feelings buried inside their hearts--because our specialty is to show you what lies in the future, beyond what people called as death.”

The boy was stunned in his place, his mouth gaped open.

“Now, please let me introduce myself. My name is Lee Donghyuck, and I’m the one, first and only apprentice of Mr. Kim Doyoung. To my side is Mr. Kim Doyoung himself, the maestro of this service, the one who will bring you to the biggest revelations in your life, giving you one more chance to use without regrets. I hope we can help you, and I hope you use it well.”

Doyoung bowed slightly. He’d never really felt the need to bow towards them—he’s always much older than most of them anyway.

“So, Kim Jungwoo-ssi,” he straightened the crumpled attendance card in his hands, as the boy jumped again, only realizing his card has disappeared and ended up in Doyoung’s hand. “You’re not really thinking to jump, are you?”

Jungwoo eyed the two strange man in front of him warily, but then he clamped his mouth shut, his lips quievering slightly.

“No way,” he stifled a laugh, “You must be the police. Or those fucking volunteers roaming around looking for people who are thinking of suicide, too. But no, you’re not going to stop me.”

“Kim Jungwoo-ssi—”

“No!” he shouted, stepping back even closer towards the railing. “I’d rather die this way! I failed the exam, I failed the fucking exam, when I’m a student of the most prestigious high school in Seoul! I’m the only one in school that didn’t make it, don’t you understand what that means? All my friends will laugh at my face, they will mock me, and my parents will _kill me_.”

_“Kim Jungwoo! If you failed to enter SNU, I’m sorry but I can’t call you my son anymore.”_

He didn’t realize tears was starting to flow down his cheeks, as he recounted his father’s words. His parents were graduates of the top three universities in South Korea, and all their friends were just the same. They got competitive with each other, boasting about their children, at how smart they are and how they’d certainly get into the top three schools.

“I would be a disgrace to my family,” he sobbed, “They will be so ashamed of me, they can’t boast about their only son, because their son was never good at studying, they’ll just badmouth me, making me wish I’d just die.”

Doyoung kept a stern face and straight expression, while beside him, Donghyuck was beginning to tear up.

“I heard about how harsh it was,” Donghyuck sniffled, “I was just glad I didn’t make it past high school before I die.”

“Please,” Jungwoo whimpered, “please leave me alone. Living at home might as well felt like living through hell.”

“I really wanted to leave you alone, Kim Jungwoo, but I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Doyoung snatched Jungwoo’s hand from the railing in a swift motion, and before he could realize what was happening, suddenly the world went white—and when he blinked, his parents were in front of him, their backs turned.

“Mom? Dad? I—I’m—"

But before he could continue his sentence, the white fog surrounding them disappeared, replaced by the setting of an opulent funeral home, the altar crowded with white flowers and—a picture frame in the middle, showing a photo of himself, as if mocking him.

Jungwoo tried so hard to stifle his gasp, and the voices around him intensified from muffled sounds to clear vocalizations.

“Jungwoo-yah, please forgive me…”

Jungwoo was stunned upon hearing his father’s deep voice. He was kneeling before the altar, his mother beside him. Their faces deep red, their eyes swollen while tears didn’t stop any sign of stopping.

“Mommy is sorry, baby, Dad is sorry… please come back, please come back…”

“This is not real. This is just a nightmare.”

Another painfully familiar voice resounded from behind him, and Jungwoo turned his back around.

“Yu—Yukhei?”

It was his best friend and his neighbor, the one who’d always been there for him, the one he told everything to—who rubbed his back everytime he was shaking from anxiety, the one who hugged him good luck before he entered the exam hall, even when his parents didn’t.

“This isn’t happening,” a desperate laugh left the latter’s mouth as his legs gave away under him. “What did you do, Kim Jungwoo? Stop this prank right now, won’t you?”

He roared, as several of their friends tried to hold him down. He bawled, and Jungwoo had to step back in disbelief—because it wasn’t the Yukhei he knew. The Yukhei he knew had always had this positive glint in his eyes, a smile decorating his face every single time.

“You got into Juilliard, you punk!” Yukhei screamed, ignoring the other guests’ stares. “The application you sent secretively with my address! You made the cut! The offer letter arrived this morning!”

That was only when Jungwoo realized a brown envelope in Yukhei’s hand. He had sent an application to the music school weeks ago, with his underlying passion for music and the deep desire to pursue it—only he was too scared to tell his parents, afraid they’d strongly object it.

“No,” he whimpered, “It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be.”

He stepped back from the room, then turned around to run with his might—before he suddenly tripped, and he was falling, falling—

++

Doyoung released Jungwoo’s hand from his grip, the latter slumped against the railing, unconscious. He turned towards Donghyuck.

“Zip his coat properly and make sure he’s warm enough. Cover his head with his beanie.”

Donghyuck nodded, proceeding to do as he’s told, but he scrunched up his nose in confusion.

“Why don’t we just take him home, hyung? You can make us visible to his parents, let’s say we found him somewhere—"

“No,” Doyoung cut in, “Our task is only to give people the vision, a chance to rethink their choice, Donghyuck-ssi. We shouldn’t interfere further than that. They should be able to choose for themselves, either to continue what they were going to do or not, when they’ve been gifted with something nobody could’ve known. They should’ve realized how much worth they are, and if they still decided to do that, it will be their full responsibility later.”

Donghyuck nodded in understanding, covering Jungwoo’s head with the beanie from his bag when he began to stir.

“We should leave now,” Doyoung said, before turning around to the dark night, Donghyuck following closely behind.

++

Jungwoo woke up with a splitting headache.

He blinked and grimaced, trying to shake the dull pain in the back of his head. He just had the weirdest, scariest dream of his life. The wind blew harshly—wait, where was he?

He propped himself up on one arm, before realizing he’s in the middle of pedestrian bridge. And he remembered.

He was going to jump.

He looked to his hand, where the attendance card had actually disappeared. He looked around only to find it on the ground nearby, straightened out as if someone had tried to read it.

“Jungwoo-hyung!”

Jungwoo recognized the familiar, cheerful voice, and he quickly looked to his side, finding Yukhei running towards him with a bright smile.

“Why are you here, hyung? Why aren’t you home? Your mom and dad are looking for you, you wouldn’t answer your phone—”

“They—they’re looking for me?” Jungwoo’s eyes quivered in fear. Did they find out already?

The look in Yukhei’s eyes softened as he scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“You remember the application for Juilliard you sent secretively with my address?”

Jungwoo nodded, still eyeing him.

“You made the cut, hyung!” Yukhei yelled in happiness, opening his arms wide as he embraced his best friend. “The offer letter arrived this morning, and I found it in my living room. I was too excited, I ran straight away to your house, but turns out you’re not home yet. But… your parents saw your name on the envelope. I… I had to tell them, but guess what? They’re so happy! They popped open a bottle of champagne! They tried to contact you but you wouldn’t answer your phone, so I decided to look for you, turns out you’re here. Congratulations, hyung, you got in with scholarship!”

“They… they’re not angry?”

“Hyung, you got into one of the most prestigious music school in the world! With scholarship! Why would your parents be angry now? It’s much better to boast with!”

Yukhei embraced him again, tight.

“I’m so proud of you, hyung,” he said, “I’m so proud.”

Jungwoo slowly circled his arms around him, tears welling up in his eyes. What was he thinking? He was going to jump? Leaving everything behind?

“Thank you, Yukhei,” he uttered, his voice shaking both from relief and happiness. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

++


	4. 004

++

Jung Jaehyun had pretty much everything.

He was born to a well-off family residing in Gangnam area, with his father a director to an infamous hospital in Seoul and his mother a successful aesthician. His older sister, Jung Soojung, excelled every subject she had back in school, and she followed their parents’ step to become a doctor. She graduated with honors and worked straight away in the hospital their father worked in.

Everbody would say they’re a dream family.

They thought they were, at least, but Jaehyun couldn’t live a single day in his life without thinking he’s living through hell.

When he graduated from high school, he hoped to enter a fine arts major in an art college—only to the strict objection from his parents. He, of course, had to apply for medical school.

_“What would people think, when the only son of the Jung family pursues such an unstable, ambiguous career as an artist? Your future will be so unclear, Jaehyun-ah, why would you want that?”_

_“Of course you have to apply for medical school, be a doctor, just like your sister. Then you will come to my hospital to work for a stable job. Jae, everything is prepared for you. _We _prepared it for you, you don’t have to start from rock bottom. We know the best for you, Jae. Why can’t you just follow us? Why aren’t you like your sister?”_

He finally gave in, thinking that once he obliged his parents’ wishes to become a doctor, they’d let him free. But he truly was different from his family. He’d never been good at studying, let alone medical stuffs—he hated them to the guts, and he escaped his free time to attend art courses, something he actually love. That was until his mother found out.

_“So this is why your grades have been falling,” she sighed heavily, “Jaehyun-ah, I know once you graduated you can work straight away in the hospital your father owned, but you still have to be the best graduate. Your sister and I were the best graduates back then, you can’t break our reputation.”_

_“From now on, we will have someone to _assist _you,” his father said, “he can get everything you needed so you can focus on studying. Oh, and, no more going to art courses, okay? If once again we find out you’re still going there, you’re going to face the consequences.”_

And there he was, in his lone apartment near his campus, a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. He sent his _assistant_, or he’d like to call him, his _stalker_, to go and buy him _tteokboki _from a famous place across the town. Plus the traffic, he could only be able to reach back in three hours.

“I’m living through hell,” he sighed, tears escaping his eyes without him realizing. “I hate my life.”

He’d never managed to have friends in college, let alone a girlfriend. They thought he was weird to have someone tailing him everywhere. Who would want to befriend a grown-up man so confined, he couldn’t even go to a blind date?

His cousins have always said they’re envy of him, envy of his family—he had it easy, he’d never have to experience the harsh reality of job seeking in South Korea. But it wasn’t what he wanted. He wasn’t happy at all.

_“Why are you always rebelling, Jae? We only wanted the best for you. Why can’t you be like your sister?”_

_“Why aren’t you like your sister?”_

“I’m not my sister!” Jaehyun roared, throwing the whiskey bottle across the room, watching it shattered as it came in contact with the wall. The pristine white wall was then stained with the brownish color, but he couldn’t care less.

“Why couldn’t I just be myself? Why do they have to control me so much? Why am I born anyway? I’d rather die, I’d rather die…”

He heard sizzling and crackling from the metal barrel in the corner of his bedroom, and he laughed bitterly. It will be over soon. Very soon.

“Would anyone even care if I die? Would they even care?”

++

“Hyung, shouldn’t we start now? We’re running out of time.”

Donghyuck was getting giddy, since they’ve only been watching their next assignment, Jung Jaehyun, for the past hour. Doyoung hadn’t make themselves visible to the young man, and instead, he was sitting with his legs crossed on the sofa near the closed window, watching the moonrise.

“We should wait for this one,” he said in a low voice, not taking his eyes off the moon.

Donghyuck furrowed his eyebrows, but remained silent. Doyoung had always known what to do, alongside his gift given from the deity. But he couldn’t help but getting even more anxious as the young man began to groan.

“Hyung, shouldn’t we start now?”

Doyoung didn’t answer, but he averted his gaze toward Jaehyun, who was starting to double over. Donghyuck gasped when suddenly he threw up on the carpet.

“Oh, such a waste, that was an expensive carpet,” Doyoung shook his head instead, pitying the carpet. Donghyuck was panicking.

“Hyung, can we do something? We’re really running out of time, hyung, he’s actually gonna die—”

“Lee Donghyuck-ssi,” he raised his palm towards Donghyuck, “we should wait. Only that way, it will matter. Only that way, it will make a difference.”

He remained in his seat, his expression stern, only moving when the coal briquettes in the barrel finished burning and Jung Jaehyun toppled over to the ground, his lips turning to a terrifying shade of blue.

++

_Little Jaehyun was running on the field, little Soojung chasing playfully behind him. Around them other little kids were playing, the children of their parents’ friends. The adults were sitting under the shade, sipping champagne, talking high of themselves._

_“Ouch!”_

_Jaehyun tripped and fell over to the ground, Soojung approached him with a worried expression._

_“Jaehyun-ah, are you okay?”_

_He shook his head, tears beginning to run down his chubby cheeks. His knee was grazed, and it was slightly bleeding._

_“Noona, it hurts…”_

_“Aigoo, here, hop on my back! I’ll carry you to Mom and Dad!”_

_Jaehyun sobbed, but proceeded to climb on Soojung’s back when his father’s figure came into view._

_“Jaehyun! What are you doing?”_

_“I—I fell and my—my knee hurts…”_

_“Hop down,” his father said, “hop down.”_

_“But Dad, he said his knee hurts…”_

_“Hop down, Jaehyun,” he said once again, taking Jaehyun’s hand. “It was nothing than a scratch. You shouldn’t be crying over something like this. Boys don’t cry, you know. We told you not to run anyway, but you never listened.”_

_His father took his hand, leading him to the shade, still sobbing, and Soojung following in silence._

_\--_

_“Dad, but this is not what he wanted,” Soojung pleaded, “Shouldn’t we try to give him a chance and let him do what he loves? You already have me, Dad, I’ll dedicate to the hospital—”_

_“Enough!” her father slammed his hand onto the table, leaving Soojung startled. “Has he been coaxing you to persuade me, and let him do what he wants? What did he pay you with?”_

_“Dad!” Soojung almost snapped, her lips beginning to quiver. “I did this because he’s my little brother! I love him and I wanted him to be happy!”_

_“And he’s my son!” he roared, leaving Soojung stepping back in fear. “How can he be happy with a sappy career as an artist, Soojung? It’s a total bullshit profession, they all look like crazy men! I don’t want anyone from the Jung family, moreover my son, to be like them!”_

_“Dad,” tears had rolled down Soojung’s cheeks, her fists balled. “Dad, please—”_

_“Enough, Soojung! I got enough problems with my life, I got one Jung Jaehyun rebelling to me. I don’t need another ungrateful kid in this house.”_

_“I—I—”_

_“You did something disrespectful towards your parent, Jung Soojung. What should you do next?”_

_Soojung trembled in her place, sighing in defeat. She had never had the guts to actually oppose her parents._

_“I… I’m sorry, Dad. I apologize.”_

_“Good. Now get out, Soojung. Jaehyun definitely got something on your nerve. I will need to punish him.”_

_\--_

Jaehyun blinked.

He opened his eyes in a cold room, rows upon rows of cabinets right beside, behind and in front of him.

He’s in a columbarium.

“Noona?”

He called the young woman in front of him, whom he recognized as his sister from her slim figure and long hair—but she didn’t respond. Instead, her shoulders were shaking, quiet sobs coming from her mouth.

She stepped forward, reaching for the glass door of the niche right in front of her. Jaehyun gasped audibly upon witnessing the insides, but she didn’t seem to hear him.

_In loving memory_

_A beloved son, brother, and friend_

_Jung Jaehyun_

“Wha—” Jaehyun muttered, utterly confused with the situation. He died? Did he succeed?

“You’re so brave,” she suddenly whimpered, even more tears rolled down her face. “You’re so brave, Jaehyun-ah, for escaping from Mom and Dad’s grasp.”

“I’m not happy,” she continued, still sobbing, “This is never what I wanted. But I never had the guts to actually run away. I—I planned to ask you to run, Jae, once you graduated. Running away. Together. To a different country, starting a new life. You can paint anytime you want, you can sculpt everything you want. And I, I can dance till my toes bleed.”

Jaehyun blinked the tears welling up in his eyes. His sister cared. She had always cared about him, but he didn’t even remember her. She has always been the perfect daughter, the perfect sister—and he was no one to match her—he thought she’s living a perfect life.

“I’m sorry, I waited too long,” she mumbled, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, Jae. But don’t worry, it won’t be long. I’m going to escape, too. Wait for me, will you?”

“No.”

Realizing what his sister was going to do, he followed her to the parking lot, trying anything to make her notice him—he ran, tried to grab her hand—but his hand went through her palm, and she didn’t even saw him.

“Noona, please, don’t do this,” he pleaded, but Soojung has started the car engine, crying her eyes away. She drove to the railroad, but instead of waiting for the light to turn green, she waited until it blinked red, sirens going off everywhere.

“I’m coming, Jae. I’m coming.”

The train is in sight. She stomped on the gas pedal, and Jaehyun screamed to the empty air.

++

“How long has he been down?”

“Getting close to full six minutes, doc!”

“Come on, Jae, come on…”

Soojung tried so hard to blink back the tears she was struggling to hold. She got paged a few minutes ago that they’d gotten a critical carbon monoxide poisoning patient in the ER, but she’d never thought it would be her little brother.

Her arms were starting to protest from the continuous labor, but she kept on pushing. Her brother’s chest caved in under her palms as she shouted commands to her coworkers, the monitors around them signaling alarms as Jaehyun’s vitals continue to freefall.

“Dr. Jung, we can exchange—”

“Charge to 200 Joules!” she shouted, ignoring them once again. No. He’s her little brother. She had to save him.

“Come on, Woojae, you have to come back,” she finally sobbed as one of her coworkers pushed her to the back, forcing her to exchange as her hands shook from adrenaline. At this point, her coworkers wouldn’t let her participate, considering how emotionally unstable she was.

Jaehyun’s limp body jerked once again under the shock coursing through his body, the clock ticking close to seven minutes. It’s been almost seven minutes since the monitor detected no pulse, his vitals hitting rock bottom. If this went on any longer, the damage would be too irreversible—she’d lose her brother.

And she’d never be able to forgive herself if that happened.

“He’s back!”

A hopeful beep resounded from the monitor, and Soojung’s legs gave out under her. Her coworkers scrambled around, connecting a ventilator to the tube in his mouth, working to keep him stable.

She crawled on her knees, reaching for Jaehyun’s face, cupping the peach-like cheeks in her palms. She bawled, both from relief, because her brother is alive, but also from grief because she somehow knew, this didn’t happen accidentally.

“…Jae?”

Suddenly his eyelids fluttered open—slowly, blinking and completely disoriented. He was clearly too weak to register anything—he didn’t even react to the tube shoved down his airway to assist his breathing.

“You’re back, Jae. Thank you. Thank you for not leaving me alone.”

Soojung whimpered, caressing the ashy skin of his cheeks, missing its usual rosy blush from the lack of oxygen. She was sure Jaehyun wasn’t alert enough to understand her, but he stared back, awake and alive, and that was all that mattered. She broke into a violent sob when suddenly a drop of tear rolled down from Jaehyun’s eye.

“I’m sorry… Noona is sorry, Jae… Let’s be happy, okay? Let’s be happy…”

“Jaehyun?”

A familiar, deep voice resounded from behind her, but instead looking back, Soojung blinked another set of tears and grimaced, as if in pain. It was her heart that was hurting.

She slowly got up to her feet as she nodded to her coworkers, who were preparing to transfer her brother to the intensive care unit. She sighed deeply, gathering courage to turn around and face her father.

“Soojung. Did he… Did Jaehyun…?”

“Dad, are you happy now?” she whimpered, “Once Jaehyun is stable enough, once he got healthy enough, I’m bringing him with me. Keep this hospital to you, I—I can’t stay here. Kick me out, I don’t care. I’m sorry.”

++

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered open, slowly but sure. It was obvious Soojung has been waiting for this moment for a long time, from the way she jumped from her seat and quickly reached for her brother’s face.

“Jae…? Jae, can you hear me?”

Jaehyun blinked, trying to register his surroundings before nodding weakly. She ran a quick check on him immediately, until she was sure he was stable enough.

“I’m sorry you had to go through this, Jae,” she muttered, “But from now on, I’ll take care of you, okay? I will not let you go through anything like this again. Once you get healthy enough, we are moving out, okay? Let’s move to a little town in Europe. You can paint anytime you want, you can sculpt everything you want. And I, I can dance till my toes bleed.”

Jaehyun furrowed his brows. Soojung’s words sounded so familiar—he heard it in a weird, scary, yet so vivid dream he had when he was sleeping.

“Noona,” he whispered, so weak and feeble Soojung had to lean down to be able to listen.

“Noona, t—thank you. I’m—I’m sorry.”

She blinked her tears, because it was the first time they actually had a sincere talk since they were little. She was too busy wallowing in her own world, too hesitant to actually approach him, knowing the quiet resentment he had towards her for being the supposedly perfect daughter—too afraid to stand up for both of them, despite being the oldest.

But now everything didn’t matter, and it will be alright.

++

Doyoung watched the siblings finally made up behind the large window of the intensive care unit. Donghyuck waited behind him, scrunching his nose in confusion.

“Why did we have to wait until he nearly died, hyung? We could have given him the vision earlier, and he’d run out of the house, realizing what he was doing.”

“Then it won’t save his sister,” Doyoung answered, “she won’t gain the courage she has right now, that she’s capable, that she’s actually braver than anyone. She’ll continue to live in fear, and Jung Jaehyun won’t learn that every problem in his life could be solved without ending it.”

Doyoung almost grimaced upon saying the last sentence. _What a hypocrite_.

“… And their parents,” he continued, “they’ll never realize their mistakes unless it was put this way. The news of the hospital’s director son’s attempted suicide is all over the media now.”

Doyoung turned around, glancing at the newspaper on the hands of a middle-aged man on the waiting area.

“If the parents can’t even hear their children’s screams, they had to have it the hard way,”

Donghyuck gaped his mouth open, seeing a full page of the news printed on the front page.

“We only gave second chances anyway,” Doyoung sighed, turning from the window. “It was always them who finally choose what to do. To come back, continue to live and learn that there is always more to this world—or to leave, and to pay for their own wrongdoings. Jaehyun chose to come back, and to strive once again, knowing that he’s got his sister. Even for just one person who cared for him deeply.”

He sighed once again as he walked away.

_Did anyone ever care about me deeply? Did he?_

++


	5. 005

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will have triggering scenes of self harm, so I'm letting you know once again, if this triggers you, please don't read.  
But please know that I'm very thankful for the responses that I got through this fic, thank you so much for my readers <3  
It will mean a lot if you leave comments and kudos and let me know what you think about this fic.
> 
> And for anyone who is having a hard time, please know that one day you will look back and wonder how you got to that point, because everything will be alright, I promise.

++

92.567 views.

It’s been two months since he released the music video of his new song, but the view count didn’t increase since then. He barely made it to the charts, let alone winning first place at music shows.

The television in front of him was on, the current trendy soloist’s face plastered onto the screen. His voice reverberated through the room, alongside his fans’ loud chants and screams—something he almost never gotten.

_No matter how many times I listen to this song, I can’t bring myself to liking it._

Slit.

_This sounds like any other song he had. So boring._

Slit.

_He always sounds the same, it’s getting boring…_

Slit.

_Why does he always sing lazily like that? How did the recording staffs stand him?_

Slit.

_Hul, why didn’t he just give up? It’s been five years since his debut, yet he hadn’t hit any jackpot…_

Slit.

_He’s not even that good-looking…_

Taeil looked down at the scratches he inflicted on his arm, each of them slowly dripping blood. All over his arms were covered with similar scars—half of them healed clumsily, white scar tissues upon tissues, the results of them never been able to heal completely before being cut again.

One malicious comment for one slit, inflicting physical pain in order to forget the mental pain.

He’d never been enough.

Five years since he debuted, finally ending his years-long training period, only to flop in the career he called his dream. The thing he thought he was best at, the thing he loved to do the most—but turned out, he wasn’t enough.

He’d never met expectations even when he tried his best.

His parents had strictly opposed him when he told them he wanted to pursue a singing career. But he had made up his mind, he was really sure that it was what he wanted, and if he worked hard enough, he will definitely succeed and reach his dreams.

But he was never enough for anyone.

He gripped the small blade hard, his hands shaking as tears didn’t show any sign of stopping. His fingers were beginning to bleed from pressing against the sharp edges, but he firmly brought it to his wrist.

_I can’t do this anymore. I’m not worth even a penny. I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough._

The blade was getting dangerously close, beginning to prick at the delicate skin of his wrist. His vision was blurred from the amount of tears welling in his eyes, but he kept pressing, deeper, deeper—

Taeil opened his eyes as he felt a cold hand gripping his arm.

“Oppa,”

He thought his mind was playing tricks on him when he saw the person who was gripping his arm. It was a young girl, still clad in her high-school uniform, her big eyes staring at him.

“Oppa, don’t do this.”

He whipped his head towards the door, making sure it was securely locked. The windows beside him were also locked, he made sure nobody could enter and stop his attempts. How did she enter? Who is she?

“Who—who—”

Taeil stuttered, but instead of answering, the girl took his hand, taking away the small blade from his fingers. He was too startled he didn’t even know how to react, he was stunned in his place.

“Oppa, I really like your new song,” she said with a sweet voice as she reached for her backpack, taking out a small first aid kit and started cleaning Taeil’s wounds.

“I’m really thankful for your song, Oppa, it touches my heart so much. You really reached out to the worries of young people, you gave me hope.”

She dabbed an ointment gently on the wounds, before holding his hands tight. She slowly turned her hands, showing him the exposed skin of her wrists, where an actual number of scars similar to his are visible.

“The world felt so dark,” she whimpered, “I cried to sleep every night, looking for answers that never seem to be there. Everything was so painful, and I settled for hurting myself, in order to forget the pain.”

“But then I discovered your song,” she smiled, “It reached out to my deepest worries, and it comforted me so much, Oppa. I kept listening to it, and I got strength, I got hope from the message you delivered. I stopped doing it, Oppa. Because of you. You inspired me, you picked me up from my misery.”

A fat drop of tear rolled down Taeil’s cheek. _He did? He actually did that?_

Suddenly the television screen flickered, and the channel turned static for a second before it changed, displaying a face of another girl, holding a banner of his name. She was smiling.

_Oppa, please have strength! We love you!_

_You really gave me hope, thank you for your song. I love you!_

_I find comfort in what you do, so please continue singing, Oppa, I will always support you!_

More and more smiling, delighted faces appeared on the screen—young girls, boys, even people clad in their office attire and work uniform, people of all eye shapes and skin colors. Taeil’s lips quivered as he sobbed, unable to hold his tears anymore.

“So you should stop doing this to yourself too, Oppa,” she continued, “you are precious, you are loved, you are valuable to us. It’s just that, people always tend to overlook the good things they have once they encountered the bad things. All people do that, and it’s okay to feel tired and sad, but we will always be there for you, Oppa. Please, please get help if you really think you can’t go on. We will cheer for you.”

“I’m sorry!” Taeil cried out, “What was I thinking… I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” she smiled, caressing Taeil’s palm gently. “But please remember us, the people who are cheering for you. We will always wait for you, so please continue to live,”

“Please have strength, Taeil-oppa, we love you!”

++

Doyoung released his grip from the Taeil’s hands, heaving a sigh as he felt energy leaving him and Taeil went slack to the ground. Donghyuck reached for the television remote, pushing the power button as the screen flickered off. Moon Taeil, a young, underrated singer, the man assigned to them today, laid unconscious on the floor of his own apartment, his wounds no longer dripping blood. Donghyuck reached for the blanket on the couch, covering Taeil’s small figure before noticing the small blade on the floor, the one he used to cut himself earlier.

“Put it back,” Doyoung said sternly when Donghyuck picked it up, “remember our task, Donghyuck-ssi.”

“To give second chances,” Donghyuck realized, and put the blade back to its original place. “The final choice will always be theirs.”

“Once he wakes up, he will remember what he was doing and he will discover the blade,” Doyoung continued, “it’s his choice by then. With the knowledge that he’s loved, so much loved than he’d ever realize, will he pick up the blade, and cut all the pain over, or to discard it, and continue to live for himself, for he is so loved? The answer will always be his.”

Donghyuck nodded.

“Hyung, what will you do if you were him?”

Doyoung was stunned at Donghyuck’s question.

_What will he do if he had the choice? If he ever had one?_

“Now that I think of it, how come you’re assigned this task, hyung?”

Doyoung was startled this time. This was the first time the kid asked him about that matter, ever since arriving at his mansion a year ago.

“Are you tied down to this world, hyung, that the deity gave you this task?”

Doyoung balled his fist unconsciously, avoiding Donghyuck’s eyes. But of course, Donghyuck couldn’t see the dark past in his gaze, unlike the female ghost in the mansion. As a one-year old soul, he was still pretty much tied to the nature of his previous state as a human with almost no ability—he couldn’t even show himself without Doyoung’s help.

“I did a mistake,” he finally said after a fat silence, “A very unforgivable mistake a human can do. Which is why, I still go around roaming this earth, preventing people to do the same mistake I did.”

Doyoung sighed as Donghyuck’s eyes went wide. He ought to know, now that he’s been stuck by his side for a year. He’d almost consider him his own brother.

“You—you—”

Before Donghyuck could respond, the front door clicked and Taeil was beginning to stir awake.

“We should go now,” Doyoung exclaimed, taking Donghyuck’s hand in his.

++

“Donghyuck?”

Doyoung left the kid alone after that night, since he looked utterly shocked when he found out about him. But as days gone by, he was starting to get worried because he didn’t show up to bother Doyoung like he always did. What if he escaped, deciding to become a wandering soul instead of staying with him?

“Hyuck?”

He could hear faint sobbing when he came across the dining room, coming from the kitchen. He had never come near the kitchen for he didn’t want to scare the female ghost, but this time the sob was definitely of a boy.

Doyoung walked towards the kitchen timidly, trying to make as little sound as possible—but stopped in his tracks when he heard the voice of a woman talking.

“It will be okay, Donghyuck-ah. Sense of time doesn’t work up there, a hundred years in this world might only felt like a week. It will be okay,” the voice resounded, and Doyoung stuck out his neck to see who it was. Turned out, the female ghost was crouching on the floor, her hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder, who was sitting with his face buried in his arms.

“But—But I miss him,” he said, his voice breaking. “I—I thought I will be able to meet him as soon as I died. What—what if I become like Doyoung-hyung? What if I’m stuck in this world for years, unable to cross?”

Doyoung was stunned upon hearing Donghyuck’s sentence. When the deity assigned him, Doyoung didn’t get the chance to actually witness the life he had. Donghyuck didn’t know the reason why he was tasked to help Doyoung, as well—the deity didn’t left room for him to ask nor negotiate.

“No matter how long you’re stuck, he will always wait for you up there, I promise. It won’t feel like a day has passed when you finally arrive. I’m sure you will cross soon, I don’t see the darkness Doyoung-ssi possessed in you.”

Donghyuck nodded in silence, and Doyoung figured the female ghost had told him everything, since the kid didn’t scrunch up his nose in confusion.

_I’m sure you will cross soon, I don’t see the darkness Doyoung-ssi possessed in you._

Doyoung sighed in silence. Thirty years was such a long time to a human, let alone a soul like him. He was stuck to this world and got punished instead, when he was hoping for a world of no pain and sadness—of course he had not found peace, his heart still long for the afterlife. He didn’t belong here. Donghyuck didn’t, and the female ghost didn’t, too.

_Who does Donghyuck miss so deeply, that he long to cross to the afterlife that much?_

“Hyung?”

Doyoung was startled as suddenly Donghyuck was beside him, streaks of tears still evident on his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, turning his head from Doyoung, but Doyoung reached for his arm gently before pulling him into an embrace.

“It’s okay,” Doyoung said, patting Donghyuck’s shoulder comfortingly, as the kid broke down into another sob.

“I will make sure you’ll be able to cross soon. I promise.”

++

_“Donghyuck,” the boy said as he took Donghyuck’s hand into his, “when I’m gone, please remember me, okay?”_

_“Don’t talk like that,” Donghyuck exclaimed, his heart breaking. “I don’t like it.”_

_“Hyuck, we can’t go against time,” he looked up to the sky, “we both know that my time is running short. You still got hope, Hyuck, so please live, and remember me when I’m gone, okay?”_

_Donghyuck couldn’t hold his tears anymore as he squeezed the boy’s hand._

_“W—Will you remember me, too?”_

_“Of course,” the boy said, his pale lips forming into a smile. “I will wait for you until you come looking for me, Hyuck-ah. I will remember you as my full sun.”_

++


	6. 006

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone!!! I'm really sorry for the unusually late update from me. I just moved to a new city and started a new job, and I'm still adjusting here and there... so, yeah. But I'm still working hard to write this story! Don't worry, I won't leave it hanging :)
> 
> Here's the new chapter, please enjoy!

++

Donghyuck followed Doyoung climbing the staircases with a pout on his face. He’d just complained to the older, since their assignment took place at the 9th floor of the abandoned building, but Doyoung made them arrive at the first floor. Instead of listening to him, Doyoung snapped, telling him to try and teleport both of them, and Donghyuck felt offended to every inch of his body since he hadn’t possessed any ability yet.

“Why would you nag, anyway, a dead man can’t feel tired from climbing up nine flights of stairs! Hurry up!”

Donghyuck pouted his lips even more, folding his hands in front of his body as he followed Doyoung, stomping his feet with every step, but Doyoung didn’t even bother to look behind him.

They finally arrived, when they took sight of a young man, standing at the edge of the abandoned, unfinished building. His thick hair flew around, blown by the harsh wind of the ninth floor. His face looked troubled, and there were evident streaks of tears left on both of his cheeks.

Doyoung took a closer look towards the man, not yet making himself visible. He was definitely good-looking, with sharp features but soft, gentle eyes. One of his hands was holding a cellphone, but his whole body was shaking.

He was hesitating.

He took his phone, and quickly typed something in Chinese in a messaging application—but he didn’t hit the send button. Instead, his thumb was hovering over it, his hands shaking uncontrollably. Doyoung wanted to know what he wrote so bad, but neither him nor Donghyuck understood Chinese. He had known that his assignment today would be a Chinese young man named Dong Sicheng, but he had lived in Korea for so long he wouldn’t have any problem communicating with him—he just didn’t expect he would be writing something in Chinese.

“Let’s just start, then,” Doyoung said, taking a few steps back, and Donghyuck came to his side, still sulking, but he straightened himself up. Donghyuck could feel a rush of energy, which meant Doyoung was starting to make themselves visible—when suddenly something crashed with his body, and he was thrown across the room.

“Wha—what?”

He tried to prop himself up on his arms, no longer feeling the energy inside him—Doyoung had retracted himself and they’re no longer visible. He tried to shake the pain on the back of his head away, almost considered the pain normal--before he remembered he’s not supposed to feel any.

_“A soul can’t feel any physical strain from doing something humane,” _Doyoung once told him. “_We don’t feel cold from the weather, we don’t feel tired from moving too much, we don’t feel pain even if someone struck our body with a car.”_

_“Unless another soul, reaper or deity is trying to hurt you. If you feel any pain, it will be the work of otherworldly beings.”_

Donghyuck looked up to a scene he never thought he’d encountered.

Doyoung was pinning a dark, shadowy figure to the floor--the figure under him thrashing, almost reaching for his neck until Doyoung struggled to break free and reached for its throat.

Donghyuck gasped and clamped a hand onto his mouth when the shadows generated into a form of a human.

It was a man, looking not much older than Doyoung—his features sharp and intimidating, his shoulder-length hair covering half of his face. He looked just like an average college student, if only the side part of his clothes wasn’t drenched with dark blood.

“What do you want?” Doyoung snarled at the man, his voice reverberated inside the vacant space. Donghyuck glanced at the Chinese man, Sicheng—but he was still standing on the edge, completely unbothered with the commotion. They’re completely invisible and inaudible to him.

Instead of curling away from the threat evident in Doyoung’s voice, the young man broke into a smile, before turning into a maniac laugh that sent shivers down Donghyuck’s spine.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long,” he finally said something in a vicious tone. “Nobody can stop me for this time. Nobody.”

He struggled, breaking free from Doyoung’s grasp and threw him off to the side. Donghyuck quickly scrambled towards Doyoung, but before he could regain his composure, the young man was already on Sicheng’s side, his fingers fondling up Sicheng’s torso--his mouth dangerously close to his throat.

_“Sicheng,” _he said in a shrill voice, and from the distance, they could see the Chinese was tensing up. “_Do it. Jump now. Don’t you love me, Dong Sicheng? Don’t you want to be with me?”_

Sicheng suddenly screamed, his legs giving away under him as he dropped his phone to the ground. He desperately tried to cover his ears as he curled up on the floor, shaking uncontrollably.

_“Sicheng, I thought you said you love me. Do it, baby. Then we can be together. Forever, like how we’ve always wanted, right? Like what you always said. Forever.”_

Doyoung was astounded, watching the scene unfurl before him. _Always. Forever. _Such strong words.

_I will always be there, Doyoung-ah. _

“Hyung! Do something!” Donghyuck’s pleading voice snapped him back to his senses, understanding why the kid was panicking. Sicheng had gotten up, his eyes empty as if possessed—the man was clinging to his shoulder, still whispering to his ears with an ominous smile plastered to his face. He was walking towards the edge, closer, closer—

Doyoung sighed. He had no other choice.

He dashed towards the Chinese man, pulling his arm and turned him around—before reaching for his chest, right where his heart was, and invaded his mind, taking over his body.

++

_“Sicheng, I’m going to my friend’s birthday party. Do you want me to buy dinner on my way home?”_

_“Sure, hyung,” Sicheng replied, a delightful smile blossomed in his lips. “Can we have jajjangmyeon for tonight?”_

_“Again?” the other man laughed, but then proceeded to ruffle Sicheng’s hair. “But okay. Jajjangmyeon doesn’t sound bad after a pizza party.”_

_Sicheng giggled, and he looked up at the man, as if waiting for something. _

_He smiled, before reaching to cup Sicheng’s face in his palms and planted a gentle kiss on his lips._

_“I love you, Sicheng,”_

_“I love you too, Yuta-hyung.”_

\--

_Sicheng went through the crowd, ignoring the people he shoved with his body in order to pass. His heart was beating frantically in his chest, his head pounding._

No. No way. This is not real. It’s just a nightmare.

_He screamed in agony as his legs gave away and the crowd around him gasped—he clutched at his chest because it hurt too much, the pain almost too unbearable to be real. But he could feel people’s arms trying to hold him back from breaking through the police line, and even when he closed his eyes, he could still see Yuta’s still body on the dark red concrete, his empty eyes staring at him._

_\--_

Let’s be together, Sicheng. Didn’t you tell me that you love me?

_Sicheng woke up in cold sweat, his heart felt like he’d just finished a marathon._

_It’s been a year, and the nightmares, the voices inside his head was not showing any sign of stopping. He’d gone to various psychiatrists, coming out with the same diagnoses—they said it was post traumatic stress disorder, and the voices were all inside his head. But all the therapies and medicines never worked._

_The voice was still there. The voice of Nakamoto Yuta, his boyfriend who was nothing but a jar of ashes by then, demanding him to fulfill the promises they used to have—to always be together, until forever ends._

_The voice always haunted him every night, stripping him out of his sleep, and it’s slowly eating at his body, physically and mentally. He was on the verge of going insane._

There’s only one way we could be together, Sicheng. Please come to me, Sicheng. I love you so much, I miss you.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on any longer.

_He took his phone with him, didn’t bother to put on any jacket despite the cold weather, and walked out of his apartment, climbing to the abandoned building, unable to take it anymore._

_Little did he knew, it was never in his head to begin with._

_In the dark corner of the room, Yuta was there, his side completely drenched with blood—watching Sicheng stomping out of his room with a smile slowly blossoming on his face._

++

Doyoung was astonished upon witnessing Sicheng’s memories. The soul in front of him, Nakamoto Yuta, used to be this man’s lover before an untimely accident took place and he was forcefully taken from the world.

His timeline had ended right then, but the strong emotion and desire towards Sicheng was still embedded deep inside his soul, he was unable to cross to the afterlife. His sense of belonging towards the Chinese man, and the firm belief that they had to be together no matter what happened, were the things that tied him down to the world. There was only one way they could be together, and the desire Yuta had was so strong it gave him powers no young soul could have possessed—but it was not enough to take Sicheng with him by himself.

Sicheng had to die—so he drove him towards the only possible thing for it to happen.

He haunted him every night, whispering the promises they had to his ears—driving him towards insanity, until eventually he will snap and kill himself.

Doyoung shuddered at the thought. If he succeeded, it was not only Doyoung who failed his assignment—Sicheng would end up being punished unfairly, because he’s ending his timeline against his will, and Yuta would be punished even worse for harming a living human. He’d just disappear to nothingness, erasing the probability for them to be actually together in the afterlife, once Sicheng passed naturally in the future.

“Dong Sicheng,” Doyoung called in Sicheng’s mind. All around him was dark, but once he turned around, he found him, crouching in the corner, sobbing endlessly.

“I want it to stop,” he whimpered, his voice breaking in the process. “Please, please make it stop.”

“I can make it stop,” Doyoung replied, “but I want to ask you something, Sicheng-ssi.”

“Do you love him?”

Sicheng’s eyes shook as more tears fell out, falling past his cheeks.

“I do,” he answered, “I love him. I love him so much, so I have to continue living in order for him to be happy up there, right? My parents told me, people will eventually leave us, but we have to continue living and keep their memories close in our hearts. So—when we meet again in the afterlife, we will remember each other, right?”

Doyoung nodded, and he continued.

“But I can’t continue living like this. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t go on any longer like this.”

“So I’ll give you a chance,” Doyoung said, “I’ll give you a chance to meet him for the last time, and you have to tell him, you want him to wait for you. Tell him that you love him so much, so you want him to be happily waiting for you in the afterlife, that you want to continue living. Tell him, if he loves you as much as you do, he should wait until you come to him, then you will remember each other, and be together until forever ends. Do you understand?”

Sicheng looked hesitant, but his eyes lighted up even a little bit.

“He was still clinging onto you, that’s why you’re feeling these things, Dong Sicheng,” Doyoung continued, “He was still clinging onto you because he’s been feeding from the belief that the two of you have to be together, no matter what happens.”

“Do you know why this belief is so strong that he, merely nothing but a soul, could gain power from it, and haunted you to insanity?”

Sicheng shook his head weakly, his shoulders still shaking.

“It’s because you’ve been nursing the belief, too,” Doyoung said, as a set of tears rolled down Sicheng’s face. “It’s because deep, deep inside, you still can’t let him go.”

“But in order for him to let you go, you have to let go, too.”

++

“Yuta-hyung.”

Yuta’s lips stopped moving, and he quickly scrambled away from Sicheng’s shoulders as the latter slowly turned to face him. Yuta was astounded, because Sicheng was clearly staring straight into his eyes, his eyes welling up with tears.

“Sicheng,” he stuttered, “Sicheng, you can see me?”

“Yes, hyung,” he blinked, “but it hurts me to see you like this.”

Yuta didn’t waste time to pull the younger into his embrace and he buried his face deeply in the crook of his neck.

“Sicheng, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you so much—”

“I miss you too, hyung,” he said as he hugged Yuta back, “I never stopped missing you since that day, and I’m not happy, hyung.”

“Who? Who made you sad? I promise I will punch the daylights out—”

“It’s you,” Sicheng pulled away from the hug. “It’s you who made me sad.”

“M—me? Sicheng, I’m just trying to get us to be together, this is the only way. Don’t you love me—”

“I do, hyung, I do. I love you so, so much. But don’t you love me too?”

“Of course I love you!” Yuta snapped, “that’s why I’m trying to get you to be together with me! Don’t you want us to be together? Didn’t we make a promise?”

“Then if you love me, you have to let me go,” Sicheng’s lips quivered, “If you truly love me, you won’t make me do the biggest sin any human could ever commit, hyung.”

“If you truly love me, don’t you want me to be happy? I won’t be happy this way, hyung, dying against my will, dying with so many regrets.”

“I thought love means patience,” he continued, “If you truly love me, you should wait for me happily in the afterlife, hyung. Not weighed down to the world that isn’t meant for you anymore like this. I want you to be happy, too.”

Sheer realization struck Yuta’s face, as he shook his head slowly.

“Sicheng,” he mumbled, “Sicheng, you can’t do this.”

“Hyung, please. You’re killing me this way. Please, please be at peace, and wait for me, okay? Only that way, we can be together in eternity. Please don’t be something evil in the name of love.”

“Sicheng,” Yuta remarked, tears starting to well up in his eyes. “Sicheng, am I hurting you?”

The Chinese looked reluctant as he stayed silent for a few moments, but finally he nodded. His eyes shook and he panicked for a second as he realized Yuta’s figure was starting to disappear—but he kept himself steady, and he reassured himself once again.

_Let him go, Dong Sicheng. Let him go now, for a promise in eternity._

“Hyung,” he started, “I love you. I love you so much, that’s why I’m letting you go. I’ll keep on remembering you, so we can meet again in eternity, okay? Wait for me.”

“Sicheng,”

“Sicheng, I love you. I love you. I’m sorry.”

He approached Sicheng slowly, before planting a gentle kiss on Sicheng’s forehead, and whispered in his ear.

“Let’s meet again. I’m going to miss you.”

When Sicheng opened his eyes, Yuta was no longer there.

++

Doyoung carefully left Sicheng’s body, his figure reappearing behind the Chinese man just in time to catch him when he passed out. He looked around the space and found Donghyuck by the pillar, his eyes wet with tears.

“Let’s take him home,” Doyoung told him, “he deserves this exceptional treatment. It’s never really been his choice in the first place, and he’s been so brave to let the love of his life go.”

Donghyuck’s eyes went wide as he quickly looked down to Sicheng’s fingers—a piece of red thread was tied to his little finger, its end disappearing into nothing—and it slowly vanished, leaving no trace behind.

++


	7. 007

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! Oh my God I'm so sorry for not updating for so long, but turns out moving to a new city and having a new job quite took its toll on me and I still have to adjust here and there, even after two months... I'm starting to miss my hometown haha. But here is a new chapter! From now on updates might be slow, but I always try my best to keep up since I love writing. But still, I really need your encouragement! Please leave kudos and comments so that I know what you think about this story... Those really mean a lot to me and I keep them as my motivation to write more. Okay, that's all... Please enjoy the new chapter!

++

Donghyuck turned particularly silent after Dong Sicheng’s case.

He left his room that night, ignoring his usual schedule of bothering Mr. Kim Doyoung, and headed to the kitchen.

“Noona?”

Donghyuck called, as he could hear the faint sobbing of a woman coming from under the kitchen counter. He waited until the sobbing halted, and the female ghost emerged from behind, her cheeks streaked with tears.

“Donghyuck? Are you okay?”

“This week I had an assignment with Doyoung-hyung,” he said, casting his gaze towards the floor. “I guess I learnt a lot about letting go.”

“The intersection between our world and the world of the living is always about letting go,” she responded as she looked towards the window in a longing gaze. Donghyuck sighed.

“Noona, why haven’t you move on?”

The young lady’s face stiffened for a second at Donghyuck’s sudden question, but her expression softened quickly after. She sat on the window frame, facing the brightly lit city, and gestured for him to sit beside her.

“I used to live in this mansion,” she started, “I was the only daughter of this mansion’s owner. It was a long, long time ago. They called me Joohyun.”

“I used to live a happy life. My family loves me, and I love them, too. I loved to visit the kitchen, watching the maids work and I helped them sometimes.”

“But of course, my parents are getting old, and as a woman, I wasn’t considered competent enough to continue my father’s business.”

“Wait, what?” Donghyuck cut in, “But being a woman doesn’t determine—”

“I told you I lived long, long time ago,” she chuckled, “things were different back then.”

She sighed, but then she continued.

“My parents arranged a marriage with a kind, handsome young man. He was the son of a rich family. We had a son, and we lived together in this mansion happily—until finally, my parents passed away from old age.”

“He totally changed, and that was when I realized, he was only after our money. Being the only daughter, automatically I inherited all my parents’ wealth. He wanted to have it all by himself, and one night, he stabbed me to death in this very kitchen.”

“But he’s one smart man, alright,” she suddenly smirked, “he knew he had to have someone to inherit all the wealth in his hands right then. He kept my son to his side and lied to him, saying I died from suicide.”

Donghyuck’s mouth left gaping, unable to respond.

“My son grew up hating me, thinking I was selfish to leave him just like that. And that’s what has been tying me down to this world,” her beautiful eyes starting to well up, “Once they buried me, they left this mansion and started a new life overseas. But I know, one day my son will come back. And by then, I will have to let him know, that I love him so much, and I would never leave him like he thinks I did.”

“Noona,” Donghyuck stuttered, “but don’t you hate your husband? I thought—shouldn’t he be the one tying you down—”

“No,” she blinked, “I don’t care about him anymore, Donghyuck-ah. My grudge towards him will not change anything about my son. After he died, he’s been paying for the awful things he’d done in his life, and he’s being punished more than I can make him suffer.”

“Those who had died will have their own dimension and timeline, Donghyuck-ah. Especially those who died at peace. They will be waiting for their loved ones in the afterlife, where time doesn’t really matter. We shouldn’t worry about them.”

“It’s those who are still living, that we should think about,” she paused, “Those who lives in the dark, who lives in constant grief, and those who lives believing they’re unloved.”

She flashed a motherly smile as she looked down towards Donghyuck’s fingers. He looked down altogether, pulling up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing a red thread tied up to his little finger, its end disappearing into nothing.

From Dong Sicheng, he learnt one thing—about the meaning of red threads that stayed on the fingers of souls, despite them having died.

His true soulmate was still alive, living in regret and unable to let him go.

++

_“Jaemin-ah, he’s my new roommate I told you about,” Donghyuck said to the boy beside him, “he’s been sleeping like this since yesterday.”_

_Donghyuck sloppily stretched out his hand and poked his new roommate’s stomach, receiving a playful smack from Jaemin._

_“Yah, Donghyuck, don’t do that!”_

_“Look, he’s waking up!”_

_The boy in front them began to crack his eyes open, squinting as the bright light over him shone right into his eyes._

_“Hey! How are you feeling?”_

_“Donghyuck! Don’t be too loud, he’s just woke up—”_

_“What—where…?”_

_“You’re in heaven,” Donghyuck casually stated, earning another smack from Jaemin._

_“You’re in the hospital,” Jaemin told him, “How are you feeling?”_

_The boy hesitated for a bit before answering._

_“I feel… funny,” he said, still trying to process his surroundings._

_“It’s normal, I also feel funny on a daily basis,” Donghyuck exclaimed, “They said I’m this hospital’s comedian.”_

_“Donghyuck, seriously, he just woke up!” Jaemin snapped, before turning back to the boy. “Unfortunately, this brat right here is going to be your roommate.”_

_“And this brat goes by Lee Donghyuck,” he proudly said, knowing his carefree personality was what made him famous in the hospital. “And this brat number two here is Na Jaemin. What’s your name?”_

_“… Mark,” he timidly said, “Mark Lee.”_

_\--_

_“Yah, Na Jaemin, go to the right, go to the right!”_

_“Oh no, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die—no!”_

_Donghyuck let out a hearty laugh as Jaemin’s character got killed in the screen, giving him an ultimate win. He put down his joystick as he got up and made a celebratory dance, which Jaemin responded with a pout._

_“You owe me a bucket of ice cream once we get out!”_

_“I’m going to buy a bucket of coffee flavor.”_

_“Ew! I hate coffee!” _

_The two continued to bicker as Mark slumped down on his seat, earning a look from Jaemin._

_“Hyung, are you okay?”_

_“Tomorrow’s my first chemotheraphy session,” he answered, his eyes wandering elsewhere. “I… I might sound like a pussy, but I can’t lie that I’m kinda scared.”_

_“Well, I’m not gonna lie, I always feel like a vegetable right after I got it done everytime,” Donghyuck said, and Jaemin nodded his head, sighing._

_“It was not going to be a pleasant experience, hyung, but we will be there to support you.”_

_He put his hand on Mark’s shoulder, before giving him a solemn smile. Donghyuck’s playful glint seemed to have disappeared for a second, replaced with a wise expression—and that was when Mark realized what they were facing._

_Jaemin, his hair completely gone, constantly covered with a grey beanie to hide the surgery scar on the side of his head, Donghyuck, who whimpered in pain every now and then when he was sleeping, and he, himself, on the verge of losing one of his leg if he didn’t get treated soon._

_He could only hope their friendship won’t stay in the white sterile building._

_++_

_“I won!” Donghyuck jumped up from his seat as Mark buried his face in his palm. It was their third round in the board game, but Donghyuck had won all of them consecutively._

_“Impossible!” Jaemin protested, “you must have cheated, I—”_

_He suddenly stopped talking, and Mark could see his body starting to tense up._

_“Jaemin? Hey, are you okay?”_

_He stood up from his seat, but everyone could see his movements were too stiff to be normal. Mark got up from his seat right after, trying to come after him, wary of his weird antics._

_“Jaemin-ah, where are you going? Are you okay?”_

_“I need—I need to—”_

_Jaemin’s words was cut short when he suddenly fell to the ground, hitting his head on the floor. Donghyuck screamed as Jaemin’s body began to shake uncontrollably, emitting choking sounds from his throat as his eyes rolled to the back of his head._

_“Jaemin!” Mark shouted, his hands scrambling all over Jaemin’s body, unsure of what to do. “Jaemin! God, what should I do?”_

_“Nurse Kang!”_

_Donghyuck yelled as the door bursted open, revealing the female nurse who usually tended to them, Kang Seulgi—and her eyes went wide as she saw Jaemin’s figure on the floor. She shouted incoherent words towards the corridor as she rushed towards Jaemin, her strong arms turning his thrashing body to the side._

_“Pass me the pillow!”_

_She shouted to Donghyuck, who snapped back to his senses and almost threw the couch pillow towards her, but she couldn’t care less. She quickly put it under his head, preventing even more injury as more people came into the room._

_Mark and Donghyuck were stuck in their places after what seemed like an eternity, and finally Jaemin’s body stopped convulsing, and Nurse Kang’s grip on him slacken._

_“Jaemin-ah,” she said softly, as her coworker handed an oxygen mask and she pressed it gently against his face._

_“Jaemin-ah, you had a seizure just now,” she explained carefully, “but we are going to take care of you, okay? Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”_

_As they wheeled him away, Mark and Donghyuck stared at each other—and two days later, they finally realized—Jaemin’s habit of losing a game wasn’t just because he was bad at playing. _

_The cancer has spread, and he didn’t have much time left._

_++_

_Donghyuck couldn’t sleep that night._

_Before Mark came, it has always been him and Jaemin. They met for the first time in the hospital garden almost two years ago—Jaemin still got his thick, fluffy hair and Donghyuck was crying silently on one of the benches after escaping from the doctor’s office. _

_Jaemin was the one who talked to him first, and ever since then, they have been each other’s support system—moreover when the doctors decided Jaemin had to stay in the hospital for a long-term care. Donghyuck had to, as well, some time later—after he scared his friends and teacher off by throwing up blood into the school's toilet bowl._

_They’d never stayed in a same room, but they’ve always visited each other and held each other’s vomit bowl in the recovery room after every chemotheraphy session. Donghyuck had always wished, wished to the stars, wished to the eleven past eleven, wished to the birthday candles—that he and Jaemin could get out of the sterile white building, and live as normal teenagers, together. But there were only two ways for them to get out—one was to be miraculously declared healthy, and the other one he didn’t even want to think about._

_And deep, deep inside, he knew, both of them, especially Jaemin—got little to zero chance for the first option._

_He wiped the tears he unconsciously let out with the back of his hand, trying to stifle his sob as quiet as possible for he didn’t want to wake up Mark. At times like these, sometimes he wished he hadn’t known Jaemin at all, for he wouldn’t know how to deal with it when the time comes._

_His sobbing stopped when suddenly the door towards the room creaked and suddenly Jaemin’s familiar beanie popped from behind the door._

_“Jaemin?” Donghyuck sat up right away, immediately regretting it as the room started spinning—but he blinked and ignored the pain._

_“Donghyuck, come with me,” Jaemin gestured towards the door, his face pale, but he looked energetic, as if nothing had happened to him._

_“But—but Jaemin-ah, aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”_

_Jaemin sighed, waving his hands towards him. _

_“It’s a long story. Come on, we have to hurry if we don’t want to get caught!”_

_Donghyuck climbed down his bed carefully, stealing glances towards Mark who was still sleeping and pulled the door to a close. Jaemin quickly walked in front of him, one of his hand holding onto the IV pole._

_“Jaemin-ah,” Donghyuck said timidly. This whole situation is weird—Jaemin wasn’t even supposed to be able to get up from bed yet._

_“Jaemin-ah, are you feeling okay?”_

_“I feel great,” he replied and flashed him a smile. “Now follow me, okay? And don’t ask questions yet.”_

_Donghyuck nodded, feeling even weirder when the nurses and doctors they passed by didn’t even care about two teenage patients wandering the corridor at night._

_“Now we are here,”_

_They arrived at the garden, the garden where they met for the first time. Jaemin sat on the bench, looking up at the sky ever since they arrived._

_“The sky is so clear tonight, I want to see it up close,” he suddenly said, as Donghyuck sat beside him._

_“It’s so uncharacteristically of Seoul, right? We can even see the stars, dancing around as if they are welcoming someone.”_

_Donghyuck lowered his gaze towards Jaemin, trying to process the whole situation._

_“Jaemin—"_

_“Donghyuck,” Jaemin cut off as he took Donghyuck’s hand into his, “when I’m gone, please remember me, okay?”_

_“Don’t talk like that,” Donghyuck exclaimed, his heart breaking. “I don’t like it.”_

_“Hyuck, we can’t go against time,” he looked up to the sky, “we both know that my time is running short. You still got hope, Hyuck, so please live, and remember me when I’m gone, okay?”_

_Donghyuck couldn’t hold his tears anymore as he squeezed the boy’s hand._

_“W—Will you remember me, too?”_

_“Of course,” the boy said, his pale lips forming into a smile. “I will wait for you until you come looking for me, Hyuck-ah. I will remember you as my full sun.”_

_++_

_They walked back to their own wards in silence, but Jaemin flashed Donghyuck a genuine smile as he opened the door to his room._

_“Na Jaemin!” _

_Donghyuck suddenly called, and Jaemin stopped in his track, going back out from the room._

_He should say it now. Maybe he got hopes. Maybe he stood a chance._

_“I like you,”_

_Jaemin’s smile slowly died down, but Donghyuck willed himself to continue._

_“I like you, Jaemin-ah, more than friends,” Donghyuck choked, but he swallowed the lump in his throat. “It’s—It’s been two years.”_

_“Oh,” Jaemin was clearly stunned, as his eyes quivered, not knowing where to look. He was obviously avoiding Donghyuck’s gaze, and deep inside, Donghyuck was starting to crumble._

_“Oh. That… that’s so sudden. I… I don’t know how to respond,” he chuckled while rubbing his head sheepishly, trying to lighten up the mood, but it tremendously failed. Donghyuck stood there in silence, waiting for him._

_“I… I don’t know, Donghyuck-ah. I… I’m comfortable with you, really. But I… I don’t think I feel that way towards you.”_

_That’s it. That’s what he needed to break down._

_“Okay,” Donghyuck managed to choke out, tears threatening to fall but he desperately held them back. “It’s okay. I just—I just want to lift up this burden off my shoulders. Just—I just want you to know. So—I don’t live in the dark anymore, you know? So—so I know what to do next.”_

_He inhaled deeply, realizing he’d been blabbering too much, feeling the deep ache behind his ribcage._

_“Donghyuck. I… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”_

_“No, that’s okay,” he blinked, letting a tear slid down his cheek. “That’s totally okay. I just… let’s still be friends, okay? We are cool, right?”_

_“Of course, of course we are,” Jaemin bit his lower lip, “I… Please find someone better than me, okay? Someone—someone healthy, someone who can promise you a future—”_

_“Stop,” he cut off, even more tears escaping his eyes. “don’t—don’t talk to me like that. Ever again, okay? Don’t.”_

_Jaemin sighed, but he nodded. “Okay. I—I’m sorry, Donghyuck-ah. I… I never meant to hurt you.”_

_“No, it’s all on me,” he wiped his tears hastily, “It’s… It’s all my fault, for falling in love with someone I knew I have no chance with.”_

_Jaemin opened his mouth, trying to say something—but Donghyuck turned back quickly, ran along the corridor, left him gaping in front of the door. All that needed to be said has been said, and he could say millions of “I’m okay”s, he could say they’re cool and they’re still best friends--but deep inside, he was broken, and nobody could heal that fast, no broken hearts heal in one night._

_He didn’t go out of his room ever since, refusing anyone other than his doctor, his nurses and Mark. He hated himself, his ability to love, for another love lost and gone to waste, wasted by someone he called his best friend._

_It was until that morning, when Nurse Kang sat on the edge of his bed, her eyes red and puffy—but he reached for Donghyuck’s hand, squeezing it softly as she eyed Mark’s confused gaze._

_“Jaemin passed in his sleep last night,” she said in her gentle voice, “he passed peacefully and with no pain. His mother was by his side.”_

_Donghyuck was broken beyond repair._

_++_


	8. 008

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone, i'm back with a new chapter... I almost cried everytime I proof-read this since a part of this story comes from a personal experience in some ways. Please let me know what you think, and don't forget to leave kudos and comments! Enjoy the story!

Doyoung found Donghyuck in the kitchen again that night, and as usual, the female ghost always hid herself every time he showed up. The kid wiped his wet eyes hastily, but tear streaks were always still evident on his cheeks, anyone could’ve known he had been crying.

“Hyung,” he stood up as he tidied his tousled shirt, “are we up for another assignment?”

“Donghyuck,” Doyoung sighed, “you… you can always tell me anything if you want to, okay?”

Donghyuck stopped in his tracks, and tears were beginning to well back up in his eyes.

“Why are you saying this, hyung,” the latter chuckled, but there wasn’t any hint of happiness inside it. “Come on, where do we go tonight?”

“Donghyuck,” 

“Yes?”

Doyoung reached his hand and took hold of Donghyuck’s arm, before slowly pulling him into an embrace.

“It will be over soon,” he exclaimed, as he could feel Donghyuck’s tears getting through his shirt, “I promise. You will wait no longer, Donghyuck-ah. You will be where you belong. Soon.”

++

They arrived on a rooftop.

It always took extra effort for making them arrive somewhere high, but Doyoung ignored it this time. Doyoung knew exactly where they were and what they’re going to face tonight, and for that sole reason, his heart felt unexpectedly heavy. 

A boy, around Donghyuck’s age, was standing on the edge of the railing, his whole body supported by a pair of crutches. Nobody had said a word, but he could hear Donghyuck’s audible gasp and the way his breath got hitched in his throat.

“Hyung?” The kid said shakily as he whipped his head towards Doyoung, and Doyoung could only nod, lowering his gaze to the floor, looking defeated for the first time in front of him. Donghyuck was beginning to shake his head, trying so hard to process the situation--but Doyoung could almost hear the sound of his heart breaking, and how he had begun to tear up.

The boy in front of them, their very assignment, was Mark Lee, and the invisible red thread hanging from Donghyuck’s little finger was connected to his.

++

_“Donghyuck,”_

_“Leave me alone, hyung.”_

_“Donghyuck, please listen to me—”_

_“I said leave me alone!”_

_Mark slowly backed away from Donghyuck’s bed with difficulty, sighing deeply as he plopped back on his own bed. Donghyuck was still shivering from head to toe despite Mark turning off the air conditioner in their room hours ago. He didn’t let him touch him at all, but Mark knew the younger was burning up, and he didn’t let him call the nurses._

_“Donghyuck, please, I’m calling the nurse—”_

_“No!” Donghyuck shouted, anger evident in his voice, “I’m not going to forgive you if you do that, hyung. Never.”_

_“Donghyuck, please, please stop being so stubborn,”_

_“Can’t you just ignore me and go back to sleep, hyung?” he spat, “I don’t care what’s going to happen to me anymore, okay? Just--just let me be. Just let me die.”_

_“Donghyuck!” Mark instinctively raised his voice, but Donghyuck suddenly got up from his bed, leveling his eyes with Mark’s._

_“What?” _

_“Donghyuck, you can’t do this!” he hissed, “what are you thinking?”_

_“Well, I think I’m better off dead! Someone like me doesn’t deserve to live, hyung. I left my own best friend for the sake of my own selfishness, I left him alone, I wasn’t even there when he closed his eyes for the last time, when I have promised him to always be there! Fuck, hyung, add this stupid disease to the equation! I’ll be dead sooner or later, why should I hold on when I have nothing left to live for? I’m tired, hyung, I don’t… I don’t want to live anymore.”_

_Mark was stunned upon his place. Donghyuck’s family had never really cared about him—even though they continued to fund his hospital bills, they’d almost never visited him again. Donghyuck once made a dark joke about his family must be celebrating when he finally dies because that would be one less burden off their shoulders after so long. Mark could only grimace back then._

_Donghyuck might as well didn’t have any family left, and his dearest bestfriend is gone. But didn’t he think about him?_

_“Then—then what am I, Hyuck?” Mark muttered, his voice shaking. “Then—then what am I, if you said you have nothing left to live for?”_

_The room went silent for a moment, only the sound of their heavy breaths was heard. He was on the verge of tearing up—because deep down, his heart was shattered into pieces—finally knowing that Donghyuck didn’t even consider him someone important._

_“You—you don’t understand, hyung,” Donghyuck whimpered, “you don’t understand. You never will.”_

_Mark remained silent, because he understood, he understood Donghyuck’s gaze towards Jaemin, he saw the way he always shared his ice cream with Jaemin on the rare days he could get it, he heard the stifled cries Donghyuck let out at night everytime Jaemin’s condition worsened._

_He understood, and his heart was broken because he wanted to reach out, he wanted to hold him, told him it’s all okay because ‘you have me, I’ll be there for you’ or any other way to say ‘I love you’ but there’s no way Donghyuck would see him, not after everything that happened—pushing his ego will just worsen the situation._

_So he sighed deeply and quietly murmured, “Right. I don’t understand.”_

_He climbed back on his bed with difficulty, dragging his bad leg from osteosarcoma, before drawing the curtains close and quietly cried to sleep under the covers. _

++

“Hyung,” Donghyuck turned towards Doyoung, his eyes brimming with tears. “Hyung, what do I do, hyung? What do I do?”

Doyoung desperately wanted to reach the kid, hug him and took him home—but they had to finish this, because someone’s life was at the end of the thread, and he’s someone dear, _someone who’s been tying him down_, without him realizing.

“He’s been in love with you for so long,” Doyoung muttered, not wanting to sugarcoat anything anymore. “He cared about you so much, but you unconsciously pushed him away, and he had no choice but to live with it, because he didn’t want to make anything worse than it was.”

Donghyuck’s shoulder was beginning to shake, his body rattled with sobs. From his place he could see Mark’s willowy figure, even skinnier than the last time he remembered him. He was clad in hospital gown, and—half of his left leg was missing, from the knee down.

“Donghyuck,” the boy said feebly, his gaze casted far towards the sky, “there’s not even one day I went by without missing you.”

++

_“Donghyuck. I don’t care what you’re going to say, I’m calling the nurse this time.”_

_“Don’t,” Donghyuck wheezed, his breath coming in short huffs. “Hyung, I—I told you not to care about me.”_

_Mark could feel his eyes starting to well up, but hell, he didn’t have time for that. Donghyuck has been having weird bad fevers at night that receeded when morning comes, and he always prevented Mark to tell the nurses about this. He just found out that Donghyuck has been secretly discarding his medicine everytime the nurse left. He was still trying to find the right time to tell the nurses about this, since he was so afraid Donghyuck would hate him for doing so._

_ It was until that night, when Donghyuck not only began to shiver under his covers, but it was obvious he couldn’t even breathe properly._

_He climbed down from his bed with difficulty, reaching for Donghyuck’s alarm button without saying anything, when it all happened in a flash—Donghyuck thrashed, slapping Mark’s hand from reaching the button, but suddenly he fell off the bed in a heap—Mark gasped loudly, but the younger wasn’t showing any signs of getting back up._

_Mark jabbed the alarm button within his reach frantically, ignoring how chaotic it must’ve sound in the nurse’s office._

_He waited for Donghyuck to come back and sleep in their room again, since they had taken him to intensive care—but five days later, instead of Donghyuck, a kid with slanted eyes and pale skin accompanied the bed beside him._

_‘They must’ve run out of vacant rooms,’ Mark thought, ‘since Donghyuck should stay in another room, might as well fill this vacant bed.”_

_But Nurse Kang came to him with tears brimming her eyes, just like how she did sometime ago._

_“Mark, I—I’m so sorry.”_

++

“I can’t do this, hyung,” Donghyuck said in a shrill voice, his shoulders still shaking violently. “I’ve been so cruel to him, hyung. I can’t do this. I can’t.”

Doyoung reached for Donghyuck’s shoulders, turning him towards him.

“That’s why, this is your chance, Donghyuck,” Doyoung told him gently, “this is your last chance to apologize, to tell him that he’s important, tell him the things you’ve forgotten to tell him back then.”

“Do it, Hyuck. Prove that you’re braver than anyone.”

++

Mark sighed for the nth time that night. He looked down, staring at his missing left leg, before he began to tear up involuntarily.

He was a dancer before this. A good one, even.

He was beyond devastated when his diagnoses came up, his biopsy results showing a flock of cancer cells slowly eating at his kneebone. It was painful for him to even function properly, let alone going back to dancing.

He was admitted to the hospital when he had to start chemotheraphy, where he met two boys around his age, and he finally felt life didn’t seem so bad. But as days gone by, he was forced to testify the reason why they were confined there, and one by one, they wilted away.

And he, had to stupidly fall in love with one of them.

Lee Donghyuck, the name still felt bitter, still stung his heart as if the wound stayed fresh for the last two years. It has been two years since he was gone, going after the other person he cherished, after he went through days of refusing treatment—leaving him alone in the battle.

The person he loved so, was slowly killing himself in front of him, and he didn’t get to do anything about it.

It was all his fault.

The doctor began to schedule psychiatrist appointments for him sometime after, even more frequent after they decided they had to amputate his left leg to prevent the cancer from spreading. Mark told himself everything was futile, both their efforts to restore his mental and physical health.

He tried to be strong, but the walls had crumbled down long, long ago, when Nurse Kang came into his room and told him the worst thing he could ever hear. Nothing really mattered anymore, even worse after his latest test showed cancer cells metastation on his lungs.

_Nothing matters anymore._

He slowly dragged himself closer to the railing, letting go of one of his crutches to take hold of the metal. He pulled in a deep breath, ready to heave himself onto it.

“_Don’t,_” a shrill voice resounded from behind him, a painfully familiar voice, a voice he still remembered at the back of his head even after two years.

“_Don’t do it, hyung_.”

He turned as fast as his body allowed him to, stumbling pathetically without the support of his crutches—but a pair of strong arms had taken hold of him, preventing him from a fall.

His eyes widened, unable to believe what—who—was in front of him, unable to believe the situation.

“_No way_,” he whimpered, “this is not real.”

++


	9. 009

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone I finally updated!!! I'm sorry if this chapter is too short, but I feel like it will be the best if I cut it here before moving on to the next chapter. I apologize for taking so long to update! Please enjoy the chapter and don't forget to leave kudos and comments~ your words really mean a lot to me! thank you!

++

“_No way_,” Mark whimpered his eyes widening with every passing second, “this is not real.”

“Hyung,” Donghyuck uttered, his voice broken. “Hyung, please. Please—”

“Donghyuck,” the older rattled, “Donghyuck, am I dead? That’s why you’re here?”

Donghyuck shook his head, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“No, hyung, you’re not dead,” he paused, “I… I don’t want you to die, hyung. Please. Please don’t do it.”

“This doesn’t make sense, Donghyuck. You—you’re—”

“I know, hyung, I know,” he held his breath, “but I don’t want you to do the same hyung, so—I—I came.”

Mark blinked, his lips trembling.

“Hyuck, I’m tired,” he said feebly, his voice shaking. “I’m tired. I—I don’t want to hold on anymore, it’s—it’s too painful. Everything is too painful.”

Donghyuck looked straight into his eyes, ignoring the tears that weren’t showing any signs of stopping.

“Hyung, please hold on,” he replied, “Please hold on, for me.”

“Donghyuck, I—”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even say goodbye,” Donghyuck babbled, “I—I’m really sorry, hyung, I was being selfish, I didn’t even think about you—”

“Donghyuck,” Mark cut in, sighing heavily. “I—I love you, Hyuck. I’ve been in love with you for so long.”

The air was silent, and for once, Doyoung didn’t want to intervene with anything. This has been the one tying Donghyuck down to the world. The one who prevented him from going to the afterlife, the one who made the kid stuck with him, even when he didn’t kill himself literally—he let himself wither, and killed someone’s once-to-be hopeful, loving soul along the way.

“I know,” Donghyuck sobbed, “I know, hyung. I’m really sorry you fell in love with such an ignorant human,”

“You—you have to know that I—I love you, hyung, and I care about you. I was too selfish back then, I wasn’t able to see you, constantly being there for me. I’m sorry--I’m sorry it took me too long to let you know about this—please, hyung, please tell me it’s not too late.”

Mark looked astounded for a flash second, but his expression quickly eased into a relieved smile.

“Hyuckie,” he called after Donghyuck’s nickname, “Hyuckie, I’ve missed you. So, so much.”

“I’ve never stopped loving you, Hyuck, so no, you’re not too late. You’re never too late.”

Donghyuck broke into another sob. Someone has been loving him so unconditionally, but he was too immersed in his own pain, only looking towards the end of the road, towards the closed door—without realizing someone’s been holding another door open for him.

He realized it. He was being held down to the world for something he had to be responsible for—for bringing down his very own soulmate.

“Hyung, I don’t deserve someone like you,” Donghyuck muttered, “please look for someone better, someone who doesn’t only think about—”

“No, Hyuckie, don’t tell me that,” Mark smiled, his hand reaching for Donghyuck’s cheek. “Despite everything you’ve done, you still deserve to be loved, Hyuckie. Please remember that, and wait for me, okay?”

Donghyuck shook his head.

“You have such a beautiful soul, hyung. Please, please don’t ruin it by doing this.”

Mark blinked, a pair of tears rolling down his face.

“Hyuckie,”

“Then if I hold on, if I fight some more, will you be there when I come?”

“Of course, hyung,” a smile blossomed on his lips, “I will wait for you, I’ll be there and I will not repeat the same mistake.”

“Promise?”

“I promise, hyung. We’ll be—we’ll be together.”

Mark nodded, casting his eyes towards the floor, before looking up once again, looking deep into Donghyuck’s irises.

“Hyuckie,”

“Can I say goodbye to you this time?”

Donghyuck welcomed him as Mark reached him out in an embrace, even as he slowly, carefully closed the distance between them into a gentle kiss.

“Please remember me,” Mark uttered, his eyes starting to droop as he pulled away, but didn’t let go of Donghyuck’s hand. “and keep reminding me to stay strong, full sun.”

“I will,” Donghyuck replied, his voice breaking for the nth time.

“If you miss me, just look at the bright sunshine, Hyung. It means I’m there for you.”

++

Donghyuck didn’t stop sobbing as Mark’s figure was slumped towards him, his eyes tightly closed—but one could see the trace of relief in his expression, as if a heavy burden has been lifted up from his heart after so long. Doyoung squatted beside the kid, reaching out and patted his shoulder.

“You did well, Donghyuck. You did such a great, great job.”

“Hyung,” he sniffled, “what if he does it after we leave, hyung? What if he—he still decides to do it? I—I will not be able to forgive myself, hyung, I—”

“Donghyuck,”

“We’ve always been told that it’s always his decision, right? He has to be responsible for everything he does.”

“But I’m sure he won’t do it, Hyuck, now that he found closure, and the burden inside his heart has been lifted up. Now that… he met you again and told you the things he wished he told you back then.”

“And I get to tell him too,” Donghyuck sobbed, “I got to tell him the things I should’ve told him.”

“Yes, you did. And for that, you did such a great job, Hyuck.”

“Hyung, can I… can I take him back to his room? I know we shouldn’t do this, but… can I?”

Doyoung looked at Mark’s willowy figure, even more prominent with the too-big hospital gown, leaning against Donghyuck’s embrace--when something caught his eyes. He looked down towards their fingers, still intertwined with each other, and the red string tied between their pinky fingers—it swayed weakly in the wind, before finally fading into nothing.

Doyoung couldn’t help but nodded.

++

They’re back in the pristine white hospital room, the hospital room Mark had never really moved out from—the very same room Donghyuck used to reside in. The bed beside Mark’s was now occupied by another boy with very fair skin and jet-black hair that was starting show signs of falling.

Doyoung waited as Donghyuck pulled the blanket gently, covering Mark’s figure warmly. He waited with no words even as Donghyuck didn’t seem to budge from his position, his hand clasped onto Mark’s skinny one.

“Hyung,” he suddenly said, “is this where you—you took me?”  
  


Doyoung was stunned upon hearing the question. He really didn’t see it coming and where it’s directing to.

“No,” he replied, “you—you were very sick before you left, Hyuck. They had to take you to another room.”

Donghyuck nodded, not taking his eyes off his bestfriend.

“Hyung… does this mean I can finally leave?”

Doyoung was rendered speechless. He knew, he understood very clearly what they should do after this, but he didn’t know why there’s this heavy feeling in his heart.

He’ll be alone again, just like how the first thirty years had gone, and the person he considered his own little brother will leave.

“… Yes,” Doyoung muttered feebly, “Yes, Hyuck. You—you can finally leave. You’re coming to where you’re supposed to be.”

Doyoung stumbled, but quickly regained his footing when suddenly Donghyuck struck him and enveloped him in a warm embrace. He hesitated for a second, but he reached out his arms, and held the kid close.

“Thank you, Hyung,” the younger said, “Thank you for everything. I—I learned so much, I—I became a much better person, all because of you. I wouldn’t trade this last one year with anything.”

“Hyuck…”

“I love you, Hyung,” he continued, “Thank you for being such a good mentor to me, Hyung. You’re such a good teacher, and—and a good brother. Thank you for--for being my _family._”

Doyoung heaved a sigh, trying to hold the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

“I’m happy to have you too, Donghyuck,” he replied, “My little brother.”

They finally let go, and Donghyuck smiled through his tear-stricken face.

“I will wait for you, hyung,” he said, “Please come quickly. I’ll miss you.”

Doyoung couldn’t promise that.

He couldn’t promise him anything about coming, but he reached to ruffle the kid’s hair with a warm smile.

“I’ll try,” he paused, “And don’t be a brat, now that I won’t be there to stop you.”

Donghyuck let out a hearty laugh, but then he casted his gaze towards the floor.

“Hyung, I’m sorry I requested too much today,”

“But can we go home together, hyung? For—for the last time.”

“… Sure,” Doyoung reached for Donghyuck’s hand, “let’s go home.”

Doyoung closed his eyes, and opened them when he finally arrived in the mansion.

He looked around, but no one was holding his hand. No one was there.

He’s back alone.

Again.

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who doesn't understand, Donghyuck told Doyoung to take him home, but in the middle of the process, he decided to leave for the afterlife. This is so Doyoung doesn't see him leave, for it will be harder for him if Doyoung had to watch him leave.
> 
> That's all! Please wait for the next chapter~


	10. 010

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry it took me so long to update, working life has caught up to me ;_; I'm really sorry but I want to announce that we're not far from the ending!!! I promise I will try to finish it as quick as possible, don't worry, I won't leave it hanging!
> 
> I want to remind you once again, this story can be very triggering for its theme. So if you find this story to be triggering you, please, stop reading, because I feel like this particular chapter to be quite triggering. And again, I want to remind every one of us that life might be hard and shitty but I promise everything will be fine. Please have faith that this life is still worth on living and there are still kind people out there that care about you. You can also reach me out to talk if you need someone to talk to.
> 
> Other than that, hope you enjoy this chapter!

++

Johnny casted his gaze towards the floor, trying to distract his own mind by observing the details of his worn-out shoes. Even with his eyes trained somewhere else and his mind ruling out his surroundings, he could still feel the stares of his seniors and the voice of his team leader.

“… Do you even know how to use that head of yours? Is it that empty, huh? Are you that desperate to get fired on your fucking first year?”

The team leader shouted, batting his notebook in front of his face, almost threatening to hit him. It wasn’t the first time, and Johnny was sure, the rest of the team will treat him even more like trash.

It’s only been nine months since Johnny joined the company.

After graduating college, he helped his parents run their own orchard in his hometown, living the slow-paced, happy life—until his father fell sick, and he had no choice other than to work in the city in order to afford his father’s medication.

And he had no choice other than leaving his comfortable nest, entering a lion’s den they called the corporate life.

It’s only been nine months, but Johnny felt like it’s been thousand years.

Being a junior, and one of the youngest between his coworkers—he had to do everything he’d told to. Ordering lunch, printing sheets, making coffee for his whole team, even working overtime to cover his senior’s work, because he apparently had a _family emergency. _Later that night, Johnny found the man circling his arm sloppily around a woman with a too-short dress, clearly too drunk to notice him.

Being a fresh graduate with zero experience about working in the office, he really had a lot to learn. He made mistakes here and there, swallowing his seniors’ and team leader’s scolding like it’s some sort of daily dose. He pushed on, kept on working hard despite the low wage--reminding himself that it’s okay to make mistakes, that he’s still learning—but after nine months, he got tired of his own self.

“This is a final warning, Seo Youngho,” his team leader put his threatening finger right in front of his face, “if you make a mistake once again, I won’t be hesitant to cut you off.”

“… I understand, Sir.”

Johnny nodded solemnly, not looking away from the floor, even as his team flooded out from the small meeting room. What else could he do, other than nodding, being the yes-man? What else could he do, other than doing everything to avoid getting fired, since his father needed his medications bought every month? What else could he do, other than smiling through the pain, ignoring the plummeting condition of his own mental health?

_Push through_, people said, _only those who grit their teeth, keep on standing back up even when people push them down, who will become successful._

What a bullshit, Johnny always thought. How are you supposed to stand up when people, those who called themselves superior, keep on sitting on his chest, not even allowing him to breathe?

He took a long, deep breath, and started to count from one to ten—just like how his therapist instructed him to do. The therapist he could no longer afford, as his father’s treatment became even more intensive.

He was trying to distract himself from breaking down right here, right there, when his phone notified him of an incoming text.

_Sender: Ten_

_Up for some drinks tonight?_

Great. Alcohol sounds like such a great short getaway right now.

++

Johnny was already on his second bottle of soju when finally Ten arrived in the street food stall, his cheeks flushed red from running in the cold winter air.

“Hey hyung, sorry I’m late,”

“Oh no, you’re not, you’re like, an hour early.” Johnny spat sarcastically, with Ten laughing in return. That’s just how they talk all the time, they both knew Ten is the most sarcastic person Johnny’s ever known.

“Rough day at the office?” the younger asked, reaching for a small vacant glass as Johnny poured it full with soju.

“Well, like it’s ever pleasant anyway,” Johnny sighed, downing another shot.

“I swear there’s a new wrinkle under your eyes everytime I meet you, Hyung.”

“Can’t afford SK-II, sorry. Might as well settle for rice water.”

Ten chuckled, but then he reached for Johnny’s shoulder.

“You know you can always talk to me if you ever need help, Hyung,” he said, “About anything, any difficulties, even if it’s about money. I’ll definitely help.”

Johnny didn’t answer.

It wasn’t the first time Ten said that to him. It wasn’t the first time Ten patted him on the back, telling him he’s only a call away.

But it’s easy for him to say that, because he’s Ten. It will always be easy if he’s just like Ten.

Ten was his college bestfriend. Originally a Thai, he moved to Seoul to pursue education. Being a foreigner who wasn’t so fluent in Korean yet, he found comfort in Johnny who excelled English ever since he was little.

Ten had always been lucky. He carries around a bag of luck, as Johnny calls it. He was born in a well-off family back in Thailand, hence he was able to move to Korea with ease. He was provided with everything he needed—apartment, car, even enough savings for him to start his own business in Seoul after they graduated.

Johnny was lying if he said he never envied him.

Of course, he’s happy to see his bestfriend flourish—but deep inside, his own conscience couldn’t lie.

Johnny downed another shot of soju.

“What brings you here, anyway? It’s so sudden of you to ask me out for a drink, since you’re usually busy with your new coffeeshop.”

“Oh, that,” a smile suddenly blossomed on Ten’s lips, “I’m inviting you to my engagement, Hyung.”

Another thing Johnny envied Ten, he’s such an outgoing guy who knew how to make his way among girls. Just like how other young executives do, Ten did play around for a bit, sleeping with every other woman on his weekends—but two years ago, he found the love of his life.

She was a fellow Thai who moved to Seoul for college, and ended up working here, as well. She applied to work as a barista for one of Ten’s coffeeshop, but turned out, she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth too.

What a perfect couple, Johnny thought. Those who are rich and attractive, will always allure those who are rich and attractive as well. That’s how the world works since forever.

And those who are just getting by, eating papery kimbap rolls for dinner every other night—will continue to struggle through capitalism for the rest of their lives.

“Oh, you’re getting engaged? Congratulations!” Johnny exclaimed, his voice light and cheerful, a bright smile plastered onto his face. That’s what he’s always good at—reacting, concealing his real feelings, ignoring the deep pang inside his heart.

“Yeah!” Ten chuckled, “You know I proposed to her months ago, and we thought we should just go straight into planning for the wedding… but yeah, that’s just how our parents were. They insisted on arranging an engagement.”

Johnny nodded, that’s just how _filthy rich _parents were. Insisting parties here and there for their children so that they could show off to their fellow loaded colleagues.

“The engagement is going to be held here in Seoul, but the wedding is going to be held twice. Once in Seoul, just a small party for our friends in Korea, and the big one for families in Bangkok.”

Johnny could only nod once again, his hands itching for something in his pocket. He carelessly took the pack of cigarettes out, along with the lighter.

He’s been holding back from smoking (since he had to save as much money as possible), but these days, he really needed the relief.

“I thought you stopped, Hyung,” Ten said, worry obvious in his complexion as he eyed the way Johnny ignited the nicotine stick skillfully.

“One doesn’t stop that easily, Chittaphon,” Johnny replied, calling his real name. “Don’t worry, I’m doing it less and less these days.”

Ten sighed, but then he continued.

“Here’s the invitation, Hyung,” he handed over a delicate, silver card. “Make sure you come. I’m not going to forgive you if you don’t.”

“Of course I will,” Johnny eyed the intricate details on the invitation, reading the location. _The Shilla Seoul_. That’s one of the most prestigious hotels in town.

“Hyung, I’m sorry but I need to go,” the younger quickly emptied his soju glass, “I have to meet some other friends. Business get-together, whatever you call it.”

“Oh, that quick?”

“I’m sorry, I really can’t miss this one,” he smiled, “One of them is going to invest in my business. I’m running late, see you soon, Hyung!”

“Yeah, text me what I should bring on your engagement party!”

Ten only replied with a laugh, and Johnny could only watch as he quickly disappeared into the night, occasionally looking at the limited-edition watch on his wrist.

_One of the reasons he’s still holding onto his shitty life, is finally settling down a happy life, and it’s not with him._

Johnny sighed for the umpteenth time, blowing out the last puff of his cigarette and gestured for a second one.

++

“… I’m so fucking sick of your stupidity!” the old man roared, hurling the document towards Johnny’s face, the papers scattering off everywhere.

“This is such a simple strategy, Seo Youngho, you don’t even need to use your head, and you fucking screwed it up? You’re messing with the company’s finance, I remind you, this is not your parents’ money!”

Johnny casted his gaze towards the floor for the umpteenth time, avoiding the sharp gaze of his team leader and his teammates. Oh, there were just so many times when Johnny wanted to spit at his team leader and walk out of the office, but he would be reminded of his frail, sick father.

“You’re fired,”

Johnny snapped his head up so quickly he could almost hear it crack.

“But—sir—”

“You’re fired!” his team leader hollered, his index finger pointing so close to Johnny’s eyes he almost lodged his finger inside.

“The company doesn’t need a useless, incompetent wimp,” he said, “there are still so many more out there, queueing their way inside. I don’t even get why you got recruited.”

“…People like you should just sit their ass back in the countryside and mill their farms.”

Johnny’s heart was beating too fast he felt like it was jumping out of his chest. He was sure his whole face was as red as a tomato now, but he tried all his might to heave his breath, swallowing all the anger in.

“Pack your belongings right now, I want you out by the end of the day.”

He could almost hear the way one of his teammate figuratively spat at him—but he avoided their gaze, still casting his eyes towards the floor, trying to regulate his breathing.

Because that’s how Johnny was.

He never wanted to spark any conflict, avoiding any anger as much as possible—that he lost himself on the way, and completely forgot how to defend himself.

Instead, he sighed and muttered,

“… Yes, Sir.”

++

There was almost no space in his cramped _goshiwon_—the cheapest room he could afford in the city where he’d been staying in for the last five months. So he settled in putting the box of his belongings at the small communal kitchen, telling the landlady he’s going to tidy it up very soon.

Very, very soon.

He loosened the tie around his neck carelessly and threw it across the small room. He looked at his phone—it’s totally vacant of any messages and calls, only occupied by a reminder of Ten’s engagement in two weeks.

_What am I going to do now?_

He absentmindedly went through his social media—he rarely used it, but he always kept track of his old friends’ update through it. His high school friends were getting married, even welcoming their second child. His college friends were getting promoted in their job, or travelling to the other sides of the world. His bestfriend, the one he’s been secretly in love for such a long time, is starting a new family in two weeks, and he’s out of the equation.

_Why does everyone seem to be happy, except me?_

He stared at the empty ceiling, eyeing the new cobwebs forming in the corner. He’d just cleaned them two weeks ago, but well, what to expect when you’re living in a dirt-cheap room? And the sad truth is, he wouldn’t even be able to afford the dirt-cheap rent next month.

Johnny reached for his phone as he felt it vibrating under his pillow—it’s an incoming call from his mother.

“Hello?”

_“Youngho,” _his mother’s voice resounded, _“how are you? Have you been well?”_

Johnny was struck at the sudden question. His lower lip was beginning to quiver as his heart clenched inside his chest.

_I’m not, and I don’t know if I’m going to be fine_.

But he swallowed his saliva and cleared his throat.

“I’m fine, Mom,” he said, “How are you? How’s Dad?”

_“I’m doing fine, Youngho, we’re going to start planting the farm next month. But about your father…”_

“What happened? Is there something wrong?”

_“No, no, everything’s going to be fine, Youngho-ya. But—the doctor said it would be better to change his medicine with a patent one. It will significantly make a difference,”_

Johnny tried hard not to heave a sigh.

“How much is it, Mom?”

_“It’s not way more expensive than the previous one your father is consuming. But they promised it will significantly help.”_

“Then, if it’s not way more expensive. Can you help me afford it?”

For the first time, Johnny finally said it.

He’s tired, he’s so tired of his parents solely relying on him for their expenses—while his mother could actually still do something to help the family.

_“… What?”_

“Mom, I’m asking if you can help me covering the family’s expenses,” Johnny repeated gently. “It’s hard living in Seoul, Mom. I have to live too.”

The line went quiet, only the sound of his mother’s breath could be heard.

_“But you’re our only son, Youngho,” _she replied, _“it’s your duty as a child to devote themselves to their parents. Don’t you want to help your father?”_

“Mom, I do,” he said, trying to calm his slowly rising anger. “Of course, I want to help the family. But it’s just going to be way easier for me if you take part, Mom.”

_“I understand, Youngho. I work in the farm when the sun rises until it sets. I never asked you money for our daily needs. I just want you to help me with your father’s medications. We worked so hard to raise you and afford your education—”_

“Enough!”

Johnny roared into the phone, his anger exploding. He heaved his breath, trying so hard to calm down his racing heart. He shouldn’t have yelled at his own parents.

“… Mom? I—I’m sorry, I—”

_“… Youngho? I’m sorry if I’m burdening you. I—I’ll call you later.”_

She hung up, the line went silent as Johnny threw his phone towards the bed. He reached for his pillow, screaming his heart out into it, trying to get rid of the frustration, for the anger, for the feeling of uselessness.

But it has gotten its grip on him, and it didn’t seem to let go.

He recklessly searched for his cabinet, looking for the bottle of antidepressant.

++

Doyoung watched as the young man found the bottle. It’s still almost full, considering how he’d always hesitant to take it every other day, knowing he won’t be able to afford a new one if this one ran out.

But this time, there’s no hesitation in his eyes.

He quickly reached to twist the cap open, but his hands were shaking—shaking so bad that the bottle fell out of his grip, rolling under the cabinet.

“Shit,” he cursed, “shit, shit. My life is so pathetic even an antidepressant is going to fail me.”

He reached under the cabinet, finding the bottle again—but his hands were still trembling like a leaf, and a sob made its way out of his throat. He shouted in frustration as he failed to twist the cap open once again, and he plopped down on the floor, crying his heart out.

Doyoung was still watching, and wasn’t going to admit that he took part in making the bottle slip out of his grip every time.

He approached the young man, invisible to the world, and reached for his hand.

++

_It was spring._

_Winter was slowly melting away. Flowers were beginning to blossom once again, and a few of his friends had to call in sick from classes when the pollen dust got too bad._

_But Johnny has always lived in the countryside his whole life. Nature was his friend, flowers and pollens will never do a thing to him._

_“Oi, bro!”_

_A familiar, high-pitched voice called him from his back. He turned around to see Ten, his college bestfriend, running up to him and jumping to slung his arm around Johnny’s shoulder._

_“You can’t do that, shortie,” Johnny playfully insulted the younger, earning a smack on his shoulder. Their height difference has always been striking every time they walk around together._

_“Almost half of the class was absent today,” Ten started, “apparently they can’t stop sneezing everytime they go outside.”_

_“Can’t relate to that, I’ve been sniffing pollen since I was born. Too bad, though. Spring is always nice to be outside.”_

_“I agree with that,” they sat down on the garden bench, “we don’t have spring in Thailand, it’s always either scorching hot or drenching wet.”_

_“I miss the countryside,” Johnny said, “After college, I’m going to go back home and stay there for a while. It’s always so peaceful, even more at night. My high school friends and I would go to the stream and eat roasted sweet potatoes, watching the stars.”_

_“You should visit sometime, Ten.”_

_“Yeah, I would love to,”_

_“Time really flies, doesn’t it? We really are graduating soon.”_

_“I want to see which one of us got married first.”_

_Johnny let out a hearty laugh. The idea of getting married was still so, so faraway from his mind._

_“Why are you laughing? We are all going to get married at some point, right?”_

_“What? I can’t imagine you holding a baby.”_

_Johnny earned another smack from Ten, but he chuckled._

_“When I got married, you’re going to be my best man,” Ten said, looking at the sky. “And you have to make me yours, too.”_

_Johnny looked at Ten’s serious expression, and for some reasons, something inside his heart broke._

_“Yeah, sure,” he paused, “you’re going to be my best man.”_

\--

_The scene changed, and this time, Johnny was standing in a long, hospital corridor. Unlike the usual busy hospital ambience, the corridor was eerily empty and void of any activity. _

_He looked around._

_He was alone. _

_But then he heard frantic footsteps running towards his direction—he whipped his head to find Ten, his bestfriend, speeding along the corridor—his eyes bloodshot and swollen. _

_“Let me see him!” he cried out, his voice utterly distressed. “Let me see my bestfriend!”_

_But nurses were holding him back from reaching towards Johnny._

_“I’m here!” Johnny shouted, trying to move but his legs were glued to the floor._

_“Ten, I’m here!”_

_“Let me go! Let me go!” Ten screamed in a shrill voice, before his knees buckled and he fell to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. His small frame was shaking as he muttered words in his mother language, but surprisingly, Johnny understood him._

_“You bastard, why are you doing this? Didn’t I tell you that I’m always just a call away? I will always be there for you, Seo Youngho, no matter what happens! You bastard, why are you leaving me alone now? I thought we promised to be there to each other?”_

_“You were going to be my best man at my wedding, Seo Youngho! Don’t you know that you mean so much to me? I knew, I knew all along, about what you’ve been feeling towards me! I don’t feel the same, but I never, I’ve never wanted to talk about it because I’m afraid you’re going to avoid me if you know that! I don’t want to ruin our friendship! That’s how much you mean to me!”_

_Johnny was beyond stunned upon hearing his statement._

_“I know your life has been shitty, John, that’s why I always tell you that I’ll be there—“ Ten choked, “aren’t I enough, John? Isn’t one person, who genuinely care about you, enough?”_

_Ten was grabbing at his hair, screaming at the empty air. He was clawing at his chest, as if trying to take out the pain in his heart, because his bestfriend was _gone.

_“Ten,” Johnny whimpered, trying to reach for the younger man, but he was planted to his place, his legs not willing to move._

_“Ten! This is not—I’m sorry—”_

_“Why are you doing this to me, Hyung? Why?”_

_Ten went limp to the floor, and Johnny could only cry out his name._

++

Doyoung was still there, sitting silently on the floor beside Seo Youngho, or who goes by Johnny, as he ended the sight. Johnny’s eyes were moving restlessly under his closed eyelids, and Doyoung wasn’t even surprised when a drop of tear escaped from his eye.

He didn’t do it often, but this time, he wanted to be there.

He was still there when Johnny stirred awake, stirred awake from something he believed was a bad dream. He was watching when the latter’s body shook from the violent sobs he was having, constantly hitting at his chest as if it’s going to lessen the heartache.

He was there when the young man reached for the lone bottle of antidepressant, one he got from his past therapist sessions. He was there, as he twisted the cap open, his hands shaking, and poured out the contents onto his palm.

He was watching, when Johnny swallowed the obviously too many pills, muttering to himself;

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—but I’m beyond saving.”

And for some reasons, Doyoung didn’t want to leave, even when this young man wasted the second chance provided for him.

He was there when they got him to hospital—his landlady found him sprawled on the floor. He was watching when they tried to pump his stomach empty of the drugs—but Doyoung felt weird, as if something was running out of his hands—just like how Donghyuck felt.

He was still there when the doctor announced the time of death—Doyoung’s knees buckled as he unconsciously plopped down to the floor.

It wasn’t the first time he failed an assignment, but this time, it hurt.

It hurt, his hands shaking uncontrollably, but it hurt too much. It hurt because this young man reminded him so much of someone thirty years ago.

_The whole world is failing me. Nobody even cares about me._

_Everyone is leaving. Even the one who I trusted would never leave._

This young man reminded him so much of _himself._

And just like what he said—_he was beyond saving_.

For the first time in thirty years, he broke down.

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Goshiwon is a very cheap type of room you can rent to live in Korea. Goshiwon are usually really small, and only have enough space to equip basic necessities like a bed, a desk and a wardrobe. Bathrooms are usually shared, and these kind of rooms are rented by students and working people with low income as usually they have little/no deposit.


	11. 011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE.
> 
> God, I'm so so so sorry for not updating for soooo long. This whole pandemic thing has been majorly affecting my life and I just... I needed time to sort everything out. But don't worry, I'm all good, safe and healthy! I hope you are, too. So... Doyoung's back story will finally unfurl... this chapter might feel like a filler chapter but the revelation is coming up soon!!! I hope you guys are still keeping up with my story even when I'm gone for so long ;_; like i said, i will definitely finish it even if it took me a long time (I apologize once again). Please leave kudos and comments since those really keep me going, moreover in these kind of times :( Okay, before this gets any longer... enjoy, and I hope everyone stays safe!

Doyoung stepped timidly inside the kitchen of the mansion.

He looked around slowly, listening to the soft cries of the female ghost. Doyoung wondered if she missed the presence of Donghyuck, who used to visit the kitchen, sitting on the counter every time things began to bother him. He seemed to find comfort in her.

His failed assignment with Seo Youngho had drained him out of energy. It wasn’t a matter of how he’d failed, but how the young man reminded him of so many wretched memories he tried to bury, alongside his body six feet under, thirty years ago—in hopes he’d not feel any pain anymore.

Instead it followed him for thirty years, resting deep inside his soul, waiting to be awaken.

“Excuse me,”

Doyoung called, as gentle as possible, and the cries halted.

“I—I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bother you,” he continued, “but… but I just need someone to talk to. I—I don’t mind if you don’t want to, but I—”

He stopped stuttering as her slim figure emerged from behind the counter, her eyes looking elsewhere. She didn’t say a word, but she climbed onto the table and took her usual seat by the window.

She still wasn’t looking at Doyoung, but he figured it meant she agreed to talk—so he climbed on the kitchen counter, facing the wall for the sake of not scaring her away.

“Donghyuck told me your name,” he started, “Can I… Can I call you—”

“Just call me Joohyun,” she said softly before sighing. “I miss that kid.”

Doyoung let out a small smile. “Me too. Life is suddenly so quiet after he’s gone.”

“He’s such a good person,” she responded, “I’m glad he found his way to the afterlife early. He doesn’t deserve to be tied down for so long like me.”

“… Like us.” Doyoung muttered, casting his gaze towards the floor. “I know I shouldn’t be saying this, you’ve been here far longer than I am—”

“What, are we competing on how many unfinished businesses we have left in this world?” she chuckled, “it doesn’t matter, we are still stuck here anyway.”

Doyoung flashed a sad smile and let out a sigh.

“I… I failed an assignment today,”

Joohyun stayed silent, so he continued.

“I—I don’t know if that’s going to add up my punishment. If… If I’d have to wait even longer. This isn’t the first time I failed one, but this… this hit different.”

Doyoung’s eyes began to well up involuntarily.

“He’s young, only a bit older than me when I died. I… I’ve never been this attached to anyone I’m assigned to, but he—he reminded me too much of myself.”

His own words tasted bitter on his tongue, but he went on.

“Everything—everything was fine. He believed he was happy, until the world forced him to believe the opposite, crushing the life force he had.”

“Who—who would want to live in a world where Seo Youngho lived in? A world where, where he was made to believe he was incapable. A world where he was made to believe he was useless, nothing but a money-making machine, taking away every little faith he had that he was human.”

Doyoung’s voice grew even shakier with each passing second.

“And… and the only thing left that could make him happy, was leaving,” he paused, his chest getting heavier. “The only person he found happiness in, was leaving for a life where he’s out of the equation. He thought, at least the world would give him one thing that goes the way he wanted after all the shit he’s been through. But it stayed unfair for him.”

Doyoung didn’t realize a drop of tear has escaped his eye, rolling down on his cheek.

“Half of me—half of me wanted to let him go,”

“Half of me—didn’t want to stop him in the first place. Just like what I—I did, thirty years ago. No one stopped me, and—and I didn’t stop myself.”

Doyoung squeezed his eyes shut, as the ghost of memories from his life flashed.

_Look at him. Look at that pathetic piece of shit. _

_I know you’re not! Why would you want to be near someone like him?_

_Wouldn’t it be very shameful to have a child like that?_

He still remembered the piercing, but gentle eyes as clear as day. He still remembered the smirk that played on his lips, the sharp jawline that every girl went crazy about.

_Of course I will never leave you, Doyoung-ah._

_Trust me, I’ll always stay by your side._

Then he remembered the anger.

The resentment, the grief, the betrayal—and the way it was enough, enough to kill him.

He suddenly felt a soft, cold sensation on his hand, and he opened his eyes to Joohyun, placing her hand on top of his, squeezing it gently.

“Long time ago before you came, a man visited this mansion,” she started.

“The hair on his head were turning into white, and wrinkles were adorning his features, but everyone could see he’d lived his life rolling in gold. A pretty, seductive woman was clinging onto him as he smoked his cigar, walking all mighty like he had everything in this world.”

“He was my husband,” she paused, “my husband, who stabbed me to death, and lied to my son, that I died from suicide.”

“I was there, watching as he observed every corner of this mansion. As he observed this very kitchen, his eyes deep in knowledge because there’s no way he had forgotten the terrible sin he’d done to his own wife.”

“I could have easily scared him to death. I could have easily made the chandelier fell on him and his bitch. I could have—I could have easily revenged my death on him, but I didn’t.”

“… Why?” Doyoung blurted out, half amazed at her, to have so much control over herself.

“I told this to Donghyuck once,” she continued, “I didn’t do it, because the sin he committed has been following him all his life. He spent all his money to _enjoy _his life, while in fact, he was running away from the guilt buried deep inside his heart.”

“It’s enough to make him suffer. He didn’t live past sixty, and by the time he died, the deities were already waiting, for him to pay for every single thing. It’s way more than I can make him suffer.”

The air went still.

“Doyoung-ssi, the world has been so cruel to you, that you decided to leave. You did such a cruel thing to your soul that you have to be here now, but that didn’t change you.”

“You’re just like me. You have all the capabilities in the world to hunt this person down, haunt him, or just finish him off. But you didn’t.”

“That’s because you have such a beautiful soul, Doyoung-ssi. And it stayed true to your nature until this day. The world might have failed you, and you took a wrong decision, but deep inside, you’re still the good person you’ve always been. Look at all the people you’ve helped,”

“And the world—the world has been paying for everything they did wrong to you, because that’s how the world works. People will reap what they sow.”

“But because of that, you’ve been suffering all these times, too, being tied down to the world you don’t belong to.” She said gently, “that’s why, you should let go of the thing that has been weighing you down, and I believe, you’re brave enough to do that.”

“That is, to forgive him, Doyoung-ssi.”

Doyoung’s breath got hitched in his throat, tears welling up in his eyes.

_To forgive him. _To forgive him, after all the betrayal, the lies and broken promises, and all the unbearable pain he caused him. Even his name still carved a painful scar, hadn’t heal fully even after so many years.

“I—I don’t know,” he stuttered, “I—I—”

He was at loss for words as he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. He broke into violent sobs, his heart aching it almost felt like he’s alive—then gentle hands reached for his shoulders, and Joohyun enveloped him in a comforting embrace.

“It must be hard,” she said, “but I believe you’re a brave person, Doyoung-ssi. Just like what you said to Donghyuck. That he’s braver than anyone, and to not miss another chance.”

He couldn’t stop crying. Joohyun’s embrace reminded him so much of everything he loved as a human—his mother’s warm food, his father’s wise demeanor, his friends’ hearty laugh—and a particular person’s warm embrace on rainy nights, listening to each other’s heartbeats—that was, before everything changed, and the world came crashing down.

“The time has come,” Joohyun flashed a motherly smile, “he’ll be there, Doyoung. Your time has come.”

“Kim Doyoung,”

A different voice resounded from the kitchen entrance, deep and wise. He recognized the voice immediately, and he whipped his head towards the door quicker than ever.

The Deity was there.

He couldn’t help but heave a deep breath, trying to compose himself. The time has come. The thing that has been his sole reason for all these times. His final destination is finally approaching.

But will he be ready?

Will he be ready to let everything go, and finally, facing his greatest resentment?

Will he be able to _forgive him_?

He absent-mindedly glanced towards Joohyun, and she gave his hand a gentle squeeze, trying to encourage him. He finally braced himself as he climbed down the kitchen counter, giving Joohyun a thankful, yet sad smile. She flashed another smile at him—he didn’t notice it, but throughout the conversation, she has been able to look at him straight in the eyes.

Those eyes no longer held the hollow darkness that used to be there.

++

Doyoung willed himself to go forward, through the pristine white hospital corridor.

_This is the only chance I have._

_I’ve been waiting for this day to come._

_Don’t lose your footing, Kim Doyoung._

His hands hadn’t stop shaking since he arrived. He wished Donghyuck was still there. He didn’t care if the kid would mock him, he really needed the very last bit of comfort he could hold onto.

But it was his battle, and only he could reach the finish line, he alone.

If he’d been alive, his heart would be beating so fast it felt like jumping out of his chest. All the mingled feelings swirling inside his mind made him felt almost human—the way his body shook with anxiety, the way his fingers felt cold. And it didn’t stop, even intensified, when he arrived in front of a particular wooden door.

He could feel his heart wrenching by reading the patient name on the door alone. Could he do it? Could he face him?

But his arm felt like it moved on his own, reaching for the door handle. He knew deep inside, he wanted everything to be over—the pain, the burden—he wanted to _let go._

So he pushed the door open, and didn’t even got the time to close it as tears began to stream down his cheeks.

Half of his hair strands were white. Doyoung still remembered vividly how this guy used to try every hair color possible but still managed not getting bald. He still got his skinny, lanky figure from thirty years ago—although everyone could see the way his posture began to get crooked from age. His skin still the same tone of paleness, even with the wrinkles and age spots.

In Doyoung’s eyes, he was almost still the very same person from thirty years ago, the person he used to hold close to his heart. There was only one thing that was different—his eyes. They no longer held the playful, strong glint—instead it was empty, so void of expression.

He was still sobbing, and he didn’t think he would stop anytime soon, but he braved himself on and unfurled the silence with trembling lips.

_“Lee Taeyong.”_

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANDDD don't forget to stream PUNCH and show love to our boys, moreover our bestest boy Jung Jaehyun :( He's been my ultimate bias since day 1 I stanned NCT and seeing how people act against him really breaks my heart. He's done something wrong and he apologized for it, now we shall look onto the future, right? What's important is that he knew what he did wrong and knew not to do it again, and he's all healthy now. Blaming someone and putting them down for one mistake they did in the past, definitely isn't one way to live as a human, and it's not going to change anything. I hope this story deliver that message, too.  
#WELOVEJAEHYUN


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